Go West, Young Man

Since Hollywood has gone ga-ga over Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger this year, it seems every leading actor now wants to make a gay love story, from Brad Pitt towell, isnt Brad Pitt good enough for you? Weve merged two time-honored Hollywood traditionsthe insipid movie remake and jumping on the bandwagonto present our ideas for gay updates of famous westerns. (Besides, we havent nearly used up all our Brokeback Mountain jokes yet.) And listen up, Scorsese, Spielberg, and Eastwood: We want a cut if one of our ideas gets green-lighted. The Lone StrangerBased on The Lone Ranger, (1956) this isnt so much a gay love story as it is about an anonymous hook-up after a few too many beers at the local all-male saloon. The Magnificent Seven JeansAn epic tale of true love between a man and his designer denim. The Last of the Faux-hicansDaniel Day-Lewis plays the very last man to get the worlds gayest haircut. A Crotchful of DollarsA wandering go-go dancer plays two rival families against each other in a town torn apart by greed, pride, and revenge. The Crisco KidHa! Come on, you knew we had to go there. [Ed. note: This isnt a new joke.] Dammit! Riders of the Fuschia SageThis is the story of a gunman, Lassiter, and a team of interior designers who renovate a western ranch in hopes of flipping it for a tidy profit. She Wore a Yellow RibbonInspired by the 1949 film of the same name, this drag remake tells the story of an army captain on the eve of retirement who protects a troupe of drag queens from the hordes of invading str8-acting Aberzombies.