Pat Robertson Doesn’t Know Jesus Was Actually Gay

According to scrotum-with-teeth Pat Robertson, gay people are spreading rumors that Jesus was gay. This tracks because gay people love rumors and when you think about it, he was kinda gay.

Robertson was speaking about Jesus' sexuality on his Christian radio show The 700 Club and felt it necessary to address the hot gossip about Jesus being a big ol' queer. "There's no [evidence] whatsoever," he said.

"You know, I hate to say it," which is something only people who love what they're saying say, "but the homosexual agenda has gotten so pervasive, it is taking the thought processes of colleges, universities, all the way up and down the line, the bathrooms, and all the transgender, and so forth." As a representative of "all the transgender," please learn the difference between a noun and an adjective you crusty old demon.

The apparent rumblings about Jesus being a flamer are, according to Robertson, "a lie from the devil. Jesus Christ, you know, was the perfect man. He never sinned in the whole time he lived, and he obviously wasn't engaged with any relationship with any fellow man."

Honey, if you don't want people to think Jesus is gay, calling him the "perfect man" probably isn't the way to go about it. Honestly, it sounds like Robertson wishes Jesus would slide into his DMs -- and honestly, who wouldn't?

Robertson added that there's "no support" for Jesus' alleged queerness in the Bible, period. "Nothing in history. Nothing whatsoever. But it is a fiction that is created by the tiny minority who are in that L-G-B-F, all those numbers (...) the Q for 'queer' at the end!" Sis, what does the F stand for? Fags? Well...points may have been made.

Of course Jesus was gay! Walking on water? He didn't want to ruin his shoes. Turning water into wine? He knew how to party. Turning loaves of bread into fish? Sweetie, those fish were unclockable.

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