With nary a pop diva in sight, Super Bowl LIII was even more of a heterosexual affair than it already is — and the Super Bowl definitely called me a fudgepacker in fifth grade. The NFL’s season finale (that’s a thing, right?) booked Maroon 5 for the halftime show, and even though shirtless Adam Levine does look like half the guys who are “looking for now” on your dating app of choice, Maroon 5 is to straight people what Janet Jackson is to queers.
Thankfully, the Super Bowl was made marginally less heteronormative thanks to some, if I may say so myself, pretty insidious gay propaganda in the form of commercials. Luckily for you, we compiled all the commercials that fell somewhere on the Kinsey scale, so let’s dive in.
I’m a Coke girl, so this commercial about Steve Carell, Lil John, and Cardi B trying to convince people that a Pepsi is more than “ok” was extremely relatable.
How gay is it: Cardi saying “okurrrrr” at a frequency only her daughter Kulture can hear.
Andy Warhol eats a cheeseburger. That’s it, that’s the whole ad.
How gay is it: Your dad going “he looks like a queer” as he reaches past you for more guacamole.
Sarah Jessica Parker resurrected beloved gay icon Carrie Bradshaw only to betray the entire LGBTQ+ community by turning down a cosmo for a beer.
How gay is it: Stanford Blatch is a top.
World Record Egg
The egg that overcame Kylie Jenner as the most liked photo on Instagram returned to share an important message about mental health.
How gay is it: Already a trans icon, the sentient egg is now queering the Super Bowl.
Undisputed gay icon Sarah Michelle Gellar returns to her scream queen roots, getting chased by a slasher who just wants to compliment her skin.
How gay is it: I’m about to read a sexy Buffy/Willow fanfiction.
Chance the Rapper is joined by Backstreet Boys to promo Flamin’ Hot Doritos.
How gay is it: You practicing kissing on a pillow you called AJ in middle school.
Michael C. Hall Stars anxiously talks to his therapist about making a musical Skittles ad..
How gay is it: Taste the rainbow, mawma.
Christina Applegate plays mom to some annoying M&Ms.
How gay is it: I’m listening to the Sweet Charity revival cast recording.
Avocados from Mexico
Kristin Chenoweth hosts a dog show.
How gay is it: Millions of people are listening to “Popular” from Wicked this morning.