11 Resolutions for Better Queer Sex in 2019

2019 is about being a slut. Sure, I've said that about every year since I was 15, but I'm serious about it this year. And I don't mean "slut" in the way that sex-negative misogynist homophobes do, I mean it a fun, "woke" way that celebrates sexual freedom, self-pleasure and healthy habits.

If you too want to embrace your slutty side this year, here are a few suggestions for how to make 2019 your horniest year ever.

1. Have more sex. Obviously a lot of people think being a slut is having as much sex as possible, and I would certainly like to have more sex in 2019 than I did in 2018, but it's still about quality over quantity. Have more sex if that's important to you, but make sure it's sex worth having. Anonymous hookups are a young man's game and I'm an old crone.

2. Prioritize lovers over random hookups. Constantly logging onto the app of your choice to hunt down sex can be exhausting, as can lurking at clubs until closing. Bad bitches don't waste their time endlessly trading dick pics, we invest our energy into real connections with lovers we respect. And it means you can teach your lovers and learn from them, making sex better for both of you. Can you believe?

3. Explore self-pleasure in new and exciting ways. This might mean experimenting with toys (more to come soon -- watch this space!), watching different kinds of porn, or just taking your time. RUSH is a brand of poppers, not a lifestyle!

4. Eat more ass. This feels self-explanatory.

5. Embrace the motto "shit happens." If you're having anal sex, poop is going to happen at some point -- that's just tea. While no one wants to paint their partner (or be the canvas), a little shit is a reality of life for those of us who enjoy it up the butt. Don't freak out, just stock up on wet wipes and invest in an extra set of sheets (or three). And stop douching so obsessively, it's bad for your rectum!

6. Use more lube. It's constantly surprising how many people think spit is enough to get the job done. Yes it's hot for your Brokeback Mountain roleplay, but lube is your friend. Silicone and water-based, name a more iconic duo! Silicone is great for anal sex and water-based is ideal for toys. The more you know -- thanks, breeding rainbow!

7. Try bottoming. Yes, I'm aware that most major cities are undergoing a top shortage -- very sad, someone should organize a telethon -- but tops really need to step down to the plate, as it were, and see what all the fuss is about (and you're not comfortable physically bottoming, taking on a submissive role works, too). Bottoming 1000% makes you a better top and it feels fucking good.

8. Explore your kinks. Being kinky is a lot of work; it's basically a sexual hobby, like collecting stamps or building dollhouses, but less creepy. Make a list of everything you've ever thought about exploring and try it out. And if you're worried something you've fantasized about isn't a thing ... sweetie, everything is a thing. If you've imagined it, someone has done it, usually on camera, which makes great research!

9. Stop fucking straight cisgender men! This is a tough one to swallow (pun intended and savored) for those of us whose viable sexual options are mostly cishetero (trans women let me hear you make some noise) but honestly, straight dudes are the worst. If men don't identify as at least a little queer, leave them in 2018. And while some people feel forced to stay closeted by their social or cultural environments, that doesn't mean you have to be OK with fucking them and being someone's dirty little secret.

10. Be more selfish or more giving. Are you greedy in the sack? Give more to your partner, put their pleasure first and make sex more about the two of you enjoying each other, rather than a race to climax. Are you a selfless lover (or, in layman's terms, just a hole)? Then it's time for you to put your pleasure first.

11. Have more fun! Yes, sex is sexy, but people take it so seriously. It's not that deep (unless it is and in that case, congratulations). Laugh a little!

And remember: when in doubt, be a cock destroyer, whatever that means to you. Cock destruction is a state of mind, mary, and it's what 2019 is all about.