One of the strangest rituals heterosexuals participate in is over-the-top gender reveals. Cishetero people do a lot of weird things, like willingly watching sports or voting for Donald Trump, but elaborate revelations of their future child’s gender are one of the weirdest. They also have a very high probability of ending in complete and utter fucking disaster.
As society becomes increasingly conscious that a percentage of the population doesn’t identify with the gender they are assigned at birth, gender reveals feel more outdated than ever. Trans people don’t even get to have fun gender reveals where we blow something up, we just start taking hormones and hope no one murders us! So if straight people are going to keep participating in this celebration of cisness, it feels right that it keeps literally blowing up in their faces.
Thankfully, cisheteros love recording their gender reveals — it’s kind fo the whole point — so we have an coterie of gender reveal fails to appreciate. Here are some of the best.
This man seems to have baked a cake with colored frosting reflecting his future child’s gender but accidentally used both pink and blue frosting. So, I guess the baby is genderqueer?
This happy family planned to open a box filled with balloons that would reveal their child’s gender and out flew rainbow balloons. That means your child is going to be gay, sweeties.
Who thought it was a good idea to build a cannon and shoot it at a pregnant woman? Straight people, that’s who. Thankfully, when this gender reveal cannon misfired it hit the man holding it, not the woman expecting.
No matter how hard this family throws their gender revealing water balloons, they won’t pop. I think that means the baby is nonbinary.
People really love using balloons to reveal their baby’s gender and I really love when it goes wrong. This couple planned to yank blue balloons out of a box hanging above their heads and instead the box nailed the mother and her toddler. Fun fact: the woman cackling in the background is actually me.
— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) May 20, 2018
A lot of gender reveal fails end with someone getting hit in the face, like this dad who got whacked by a baseball.
This dad broke his ankle kicking a football filled with blue powder. Gabrielle Union voice: OK, now how did your life change? Did you get the guy? Did you get the job? Is your house any bigger?
These gender reveal fireworks sent people screaming and running for their lives and alft some with minor burns. Aw, sad.
I am still screaming about the gender reveal that included an alligator, which was fed a melon full of blue Jell-O and had to be subdued so it wouldn’t maim any of the partygoers. Y’all need Jesus!
This one isn’t even that funny, but the dad who ate the cupcake iced to reflect his child’s gender without even noticing the color is kinda hot.
Why are gender reveals so dangerous? Did this couple really need to throw knives to know the biological sex of their baby?
Just this week, three men were arrested for a 2017 shooting that took place at a fake gender reveal party, leaving three dead and eight injured.
But the greatest gender reveal fail of all belongs to the border agent whose gender reveal party ended with an explosion that caused a massive fire, consuming 47,000 acres of land. The border agent was eventually forced to pay $220,000 in damages. Trans vengeance strikes again!
The moral of this story: if you find yourself with the urge to stage a gender reveal, just say no! Instead, why not do a wig reveal? It’s much more of a gag and has a much lower potential to cause a forest fire — as long as you don’t accidentally snatch yourself bald. No one wants to see that.