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You DO NOT Text While Patti LuPone Is Acting 

Patti LuPone

Patti LuPone and Michael Urie in 'Shows for Days' | Photo by Joan Marcus

I try not to call people heroes too often, lest the word the lose all meaning, but I am unequivocally and proudly bestowing the designation of “American Hero” on Patti Ann LuPone. 

During a matinee performance of the Douglas Carter Beane comedy Shows for Days, four cell phones went of, twice from the same phone [Facepalm]! 

Patti was having none of it. NONE. OF. IT.

When a woman in the second row texted throughout the performance, Ms. LuPone—rightfully—snapped. Without breaking character, Ms. LuPone, who plays a rinky-dink theater diva in the show, walked off stage, and snatched the woman’s phone. 

“When we went out for the second act I was very close to [the texting woman], and she was still texting,” the Tony Award winner told The New York Times. “I watched her and thought, “What am I going to do?” At the very end of that scene, we all exit. What I normally do is shake the hand of the people in the front row. I just walked over to her, shook her hand and took her phone. I walked offstage and handed it to the stage manager, who gave it to the house manager.”

Imagine being this woman for a second. You’re blithely ignoring basic theater etiquette, which has been established for over a half-century, and, like Nemesis, the Greek goddess of divine retribution, Broadway darling Patti LuPone swoops in and jacks your phone. What do you do? 

Sit down and shut up, that’s what. 

“[The audience] got it,” LuPone continues in her NYT interview. “She was totally seen texting because she was in light. Some people gasped when I took the phone. Some people applauded.”

LuPone released a statement to Playbill.com addressing the incident.

We work hard on stage to create a world that is being totally destroyed by a few, rude, self-absorbed and inconsiderate audience members who are controlled by their phones. They cannot put them down. When a phone goes off or when a LED screen can be seen in the dark it ruins the experience for everyone else—the majority of the audience at that performance and the actors on stage. I am so defeated by this issue that I seriously question whether I want to work on stage anymore. Now I’m putting battle gear on over my costume to marshall the audience as well as perform.

Oh so help me if this inconsiderate asshat has lost our Patti LuPone privileges—they are a privileges—for the rest of us. 

There is only one place for Patti LuPone—well two if you count American Horror Story—and that’s the stage. 

This is not the first instance of inconsiderate theater-goers (read: douce bags) ruining performances.

One Mensa member tried plugging in his phone in a fake outlet during Hand to God and Jonathan Groff is having none of Baby Jane’s Madonna’s cellphone addiction.

Moral of the story, kids: PUT YOUR FUCKING PHONES AWAY OR PATTI LUPONE IS GONNA TAKE 'EM!

Watch LuPone below:

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