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10 Things the Cruel Intentions TV Remake Needs to Do

10 Things the Cruel Intentions TV Remake Needs to Do

cruel intentions revival

NBC is trying it with a TV remake of the cunty classic by the kids behind The Unauthorized Musical Parody Of Cruel Intentions.

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Here we are sixteen years after Cruel Intentions clawed its way onto movie screens and I'm still waiting for Sarah Michelle Gellar's Oscar. Sure, that injustice may never be corrected, but at least NBC is bringing the teenmelodrama back to life with a revivial by the film's writer/director Roger Kumble, producer Neal H. Moritz, and Lindsey Rosin and Jordan Ross from the LA stage show, The Unauthorized Musical Parody Of Cruel Intentions.

According to Deadline:

Set in present day, Cruel Intentions follows the rags-to-riches story of 16-year-old Bash Casey, the son of the late Sebastian Valmont (played by Phillippe) and Annette Hargrove (Witherspoon). Upon finding his late father's journal, Bash learns of the family legacy he didn't know existed. In search of answers, he trades his small-town Kansas upbringing for a scholarship to the prestigious Brighton Preparatory Academy in San Francisco and soon finds himself in a world of sex, money, power, and corruption he never could have imagined.

While I'm tentatively excited about this revival, this is an opportunity to either ruin the film's legacy far worse than the two subsequent straight-to-video sequels could, or possibly improve upon it. So with that....

Here are 10 things the Cruel Intentions revival should do.

1. Bring back the greatest piece of drug jewelry in cinematic history.

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There's nothing like sniffing cocaine from a cross necklace in the bathroom of a church that says, "I've made it."

2. Turn this up a notch.

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This iconic kiss may have been shocking back in 1999 when lesbian kisses were reserved for sweeps week, but it's 2015 and this is tame by ABC Family standards.

3. Insist on the incest.

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Kathryn (SMG) and Sebastian (Ryan Phillippe) are only mildly incestuous step-siblings, but with Game of Thrones (and Lifetime's Children in the Attic remake) blazing the televised incest trail, why not get with the times? The really creepy times.

4. Add some goddamn diversity.

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The racism inherent in New York society was kinda touched upon in the original with the one character of color (last dance saver Sean Patrick Thomas), but if we're going to San Francisco with this revival, let's prove once and for all that people of all races can be wealthy, vindictive and conniving. It's called progress.

5. Throw Christine Baranski in there.

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Everything is better with some Baranski.

6. Queer it up.

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Besides the signature sapphic slob and the bitchy asides, the original Cruel Intentions was pretty gay--notably Joshua Jackson and his boy band dye job (never forget) seducing closeted jock Eric Mabius. More of this. With less clothing.

7. Don't slouch on the fashion.

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Going to San Fran is no excuse to drop the fashion ball, especially when preppy chic is such a fun road to travel down--just look at the sartorial hijinks on Scream Queens. Of course, SMG was giving you Audrey Hepburn out for the kill so for a while that's how I thought/hoped New York teenagers dressed.

8. Don't take it too seriously.

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The fact that this adaptation is being helmed by the duo who lovingly made The Unauthorized Musical Parody gives me hope that this is being done with tongue at least partially in cheek. Camp can only save this whole shebang.

9. Don't try to be Gossip Girl.

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The second season of Gossip Girl was the closest we ever got to the uppity upper middle class Manhattan bitchiness of Cruel Intentions, so there's no need to retread that territory--especially when GG was a retread of Cruel Intentions...which was basically a retread of Heathers by way of Dangerous Liaisons. Actually, forget it, just keep the one-liners coming.


cruel intentions

When Reese Witherspoon, Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar showed up at a performance of The Unauthorized Musical Parody Of Cruel Intentions, the internet rightfully freaked out. Since the three ladies clearly love the source material, here's hoping they'll make cameos at some point--if Cruel Intentions the TV show even gets to that point.

Les Fabian Brathwaite-- everybody loves me and I intend to keep it that way.

special h/t | Fuck Yeah! Cruel Intentions

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Les Fabian Brathwaite