Things You Shouldn't Do Right in Front Of My Salad

Recently, a woman's heartfelt shock that two men would have the audacity to fornicate right in front of her salad made major waves across the globe. Millions all over the world couldn't sympathize with this woman, who just wanted to eat her salad in peace. Thinking about her plight, I started wondering: what other behavior could fiends try to engage in right in front of my salad. So for all of you out there who may, at some point, encounter me eating a salad, here is a list of things you shouldn't do.

1. Like the woman in the viral video, I would request that you do not have sex in front of my salad.

2. Please do not misgender me in front of my salad. Additionally, please don't misgender my salad, who is non-binary and uses they/them pronouns.

3. Please do not engage in any racism, transphobia, homophobia, sexism or ableism in front of my salad. Or, you know, anywhere.

4. Don't talk about the President in front of my salad. They're just trying to get through the next three and a half years without hearing that idiot's name, and unlike humans, salads have the luxury of being a little politically ambivalent.

5. Don't say "all lives matter" or "blue lives matter" in front of my salad.

6. Don't say "women are women and trans women are trans women" in front of my salad. My salad hates TERFs.

7. No Game of Thrones spoilers in front of my salad, they're still making their way through season two. I know, once a few seasons have passed spoilers should be fair game (of thrones), but they don't want to know that Jon Snow isn't actually Ned Stark's bastard. Obviously, no book spoilers as well.

8. Don't talk to my salad about your vegan, gluten-free or paleo diet. They are so sick of people thinking that salads want to hear this kind of nonsense. Save it for your boyfriend/therapist/gym buddy.

9. Don't eat a smaller salad in front of my salad, who is a bit on the thicc side. They've got some body image issues and could do without the stress.

10. Don't read this article in front of my salad. They're shy.