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The Inauguration? I Don't Know Her: A Guide to All This Democratically-Elected Shade

obama trump
AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais

Setting the stage for the shadiest inauguration of ALL TIME.

Remember the inauguration of Barack Obama? Either 2009 or 2013. They're both great. And they both gave us so many great, immediately iconic moments.


AP: Doug Mills/Charles Dharapak/Ron Edmonds/Win McNamee

Michelle's coat and glove combination. ('09) / Michelle's bangs. ('13) / Aretha's bowhat. ('09) / Beyonce ('09 and '13), who should be at all Presidential Inaugurations by some Constitutional amendment, but much like everyone else she's busy that day.

Obama's inaugurations also benefited from the overwhelming satisfaction in knowing history was being made and America patted itself on the back for electing its first black president. In contrast, on Friday, America will beat itself off while choking itself with a fake Gucci belt as Donald J. Trump gets sworn in as the 45th President of these United whatevers.

Yes, there's a dark cloud--and potentially some storm clouds--hanging over Friday's inauguration, most likely caused by the forest of shade being cast across the nation, if not world. Facing the lowest favorability ratings of any incoming president in at least the last 40 years, not to mention side-eyes from both sides of the aisle, DJT is going to have to grab a flashlight just to find his way to the podium to take the oath of office.

Here, a handy guide to the general not-having-itness plaguing the 2017 Inauguration.

- Sure, Trump may be the least popular president in at least a generation--and we had three Bush terms--but poll shade never fazed The Donald, who dismissed them as rigged during his daily tweetstorm.

ab fab patsy stone transGiphy

- OG shadester Rep. John Lewis and T1 sassbot Rep. Maxine Waters are just two of the over 60 members of Congress who are literally not here for Friday's inauguration. They're throwing words around like "legitimate" and "not," which is more than just liberal sour grapes--even though most Americans don't think Russian hacking affected the outcome of the election. No word on racism, gerrymandering, misogyny, and the effect of fake news that were also a part of that ineffective Russian hacking.

- Among the shadiest of the many shady moments circling Inauguration 2017: the no-star guest list. No one of note, or at least you'd want to hear carrying one, is performing--especially now after Jennifer Holliday realized the gays have not forgotten this Tony performance.

jennifer holliday and i'm telling you gif

- The fashion community has been, well, itself, by being unapologetically cunty. Designers from Marc Jacobs to Tom Ford have pre-emptively said "Her? No thanks" to Melania, even though no one asked them in the first place. Still, following in Michelle Obama's iconic kitten-heeled steps is going to be even more impossible in some threadbare Dolce & Gabbana. Meanwhile, poor Marla Maples and Tiffany Trump are probably going to have to do each other's makeup, split a Bump-It, and call it a day.

- What's the best way to undermine anyone or anything? Why, overshadowing it, of course. The Women's March on Washington --and sister marches around the world--threatens to be a more popular event than the Inauguration, with all the stars that didn't want anything to do with Trump showing up and showing out in support of Planned Parenthood. In short, it's going to be empowering AF.

alexis carrington dynastyGiphy

With this presidency already off to a rocky start, this collective sister solidarity strap-in is one way to gird one's loins--figuratively and literally--for the impending crazy.

- Speaking of attendance, Trump wanted to set an all-time attendance record, but with only 800,000 people expected he's about a million short of Obama in '09. Still, Trump's got one thing Obama never had...or wanted: angry white men on bikes. So this is all going to end really well.

- Explaining the lack of "what people consider A-listers," chairman of the Presidential Inaugural Committee Tom Barrack scarred the lives of everyone within earshot by claiming to surround the event with a "soft sensuality."

Related | Caitlyn Jenner Reportedly Confirms Attendance to Trump's Celebrity-Free Inauguration

Even though investors have lined up to kiss the tacky oversized ring, throwing over $100M at America's lamest party, like everything associated with Trump, this softly sensual soiree promises to be a gilded hot mess that just about defies the word "class."


- Think of the most mature and sophisticated way to celebrate this inauguration, and then imagine the exact opposite and you have the DeploraBalls, where the supposed winners of this heaping garbage fire act like a bunch of sore losers. I can just see the hilarious, (un)ironic "heil Trump" photos flooding in across the shores of the internet, drowning us all in the alt-right wave.

- While some people are flocking to D.C., either for the Inauguration or against it, folks in D.C. are getting the fuck out of dodge. "I definitely understand people's right to come here," said one capital resident, mid-flee. "And that's why I'm leaving."

jennifer holliday i'm not going gif

And I'm telling you--I'm not staying.

Advocate Channel - The Pride StoreOut / Advocate Magazine - Fellow Travelers & Jamie Lee Curtis

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