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Two Spells to Cast Away the Homophobic Mercury in Retrograde

Impractical Magic

Author and witch Michelle Tea believes magic is for everyone! Here are two spells to help you feel more beautiful.

Get Thee Gone

You will need:

1 glass-encased candle, white or black
pink salt
sharp-tipped knife, such as an x-acto knife
paper and pen
glass dish

Choose a black or white candle. Either is fine. This is a very black-and-white spell, no doubt about it. You want this person, place, or thing gone from your life! White is associated with purification, and that is nice, but also beware weird superstitions about color that are, dare I say, racist. Black is not evil, wicked, or impure. It can represent the void, which is literally awesome and total mystery incarnate. Either color will work wonderfully for this and many other spells!

With the tip of a sharp knife, carve a spiral into the wax at the top of your candle. Spirals are so beautiful and cosmic, so lifelike. Things come and they go. You are done with this particular person, place, or thing. The energy has ceased to be valuable to you and may even be detrimental. Allow the spiral to whirl it out of your sphere. Sprinkle purifying, protective pink salt into the spiral. It's fine if this is messy. Light that candle.

Write on a piece of paper what you want to be rid of. Get deep with it! It's not just your lousy job you want to banish, it's the low self-esteem you acquired while working there. It's not just your crappy ex, it's your tendency to go for sociopaths or what-have-yous. You don't want to cure the symptom: You want to get at the root of what ails you.

Now take that paper and set it aflame! Toss it in a fire-safe glass bowl and speak aloud everything you want to let go of. Then, flush the ashes down the toilet.


You will need:

mookaite, or a crystal of your choice
1 glass-encased candle, light blue or rainbow
paper and pen
1 bay leaf

I dedicate this spell to my longtime gay bestie, Peter, a New England man-witch who created the practice of flinging his hands up in the air and hollering "Reset!" whenever life needed a makeover.

As queers, it is our magical prerogative to always use those colorful, rainbow-striped candles when doing positive, abundance-based spells. But if you'd like something less busy, a light blue candle suggests the unlimited potential of a clear sky with not a stormy cloud
in sight.

Crumble your bay leaf -- an ancient symbol of victory and sunny days -- into your candle. Grab some glitter from your makeup kit and dust the leaf crumbles with them. All the while, think of what you're conjuring. What goodies do you want to pull into your life? What do you want happily shaken up? Say it out loud so your ancestors -- familial and chosen -- can hear you. Light your candle, fling your arms toward the sky, and yell, "Reset!" So mote it be, girl!

But wait! You're not done! Lest the universe think you're a greedy, ungrateful bitch, take that paper and pen and scratch out a 10-item gratitude list. These lists are miniature spells in their own right. Watch how your mood lifts as you recognize the beauty you've already been the lucky
recipient of.

Finally, select a crystal to be the solid, portable embodiment of this spell. I recommend mookaite, as it is my favorite crystal right now, boasting modern, abstract patterns and offering vibrant yet grounding earth powers (and a cheap price tag). Hold your crystal over the candle and repeat once more what this spell is about, what you want, and what you are calling. Charge the stone with this energy and keep it in your pocket or bra to assist your manifestation. Let the candle go until it burns out -- keep it in a sink or tub for safety while you're out. If you must extinguish it, just repeat your intentions each time you relight.

To read more, grab your own copy of Out's April issue on Kindle, Nook and Zinio today, and on newsstands March 26. Preview more of the issue here and click here to subscribe.

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