"I would never online date..unless it was for 'comedy research.' The other things I've done for 'comedy research' include fat camp, drinking..."
"Telling people you're on a juice cleanse is a perfect way to make sure everyone is visualizing you having diarrhea."
"My cab driver just got pulled over... He is trying to keep my fare going."
"Sometimes, instead of fighting, the right thing to say is simply, 'touche'.."
"I stare at the tube of toothpaste on the floor next to the sink, crestfallen."