Wanna know what failure looks like? For an actress, it's probably when she's doing things only a porn star would do -- with actual porn stars -- for way less than any porn star has ever made in the history of porn.
So why don't I go ahead and delineate Li-Lo's batsh*t craziness in list form? It's the only way. (You can also watch a clip here).
1. Li-Lo got pervy with her director. Right before the aforementioned four-way sex scene, Li-Lo developed a case of stage fright and refused to take off her robe. (Which is pretty ridic, considering she's posed butt naked for Playboy and flashed her coochie more times than anyone can count, but whatevs.) And do you wanna know how director Paul Schrader, who was 65 at the time of filming, coaxed her out of it? By getting naked himself! Li-Lo thanked him by shooting him a "dirty, demented smile" while filming the sex scene. But that's not all! After a second, THE DIRECTOR SMILED BACK! Ugh. I can't.
2. Li-Lo got shown up by her co-star, porn actor James Deen. In the words of the NYT writer: "He was never late, and his behavior was always fastidious. (He could be seen on set making sure the garbage bags were correctly hugging the trash-can lids.)" I mean, if we're going to be real, pretty much anyone can look more responsible when compared to Li-Lo. Like, she was probably sitting three feet away from those garbage cans adjusting her pushup bra and texting her coke dealer, so Deen could've probably just done jumping jacks next to her for five minutes and he would've seemed more productive.
3. Li-Lo got blackout drunk with Lady Gaga during production. One morning, Li-Lo was so hungover that she couldn't do more than lie in a booth and shield her eyes from the "imaginary sunlight" above her. Apparently, she had spent the night with Lady Gaga and had stayed up drinking and partying until 5 AM. Which means that Gaga is an enabler!!! I mean, Gaga KNOWS Li-Lo has a problem (how could she not?), so she clearly just doesn't care whether Li-Lo falls asleep in a bed or on the pavement of the Hollywood Walk of Fame. (After doing lines off of Elizabeth Taylor's star, I mean.)
4. Li-Lo is amazingly NOT the reason this movie is going to suck. Judging by the NYT writer's account, this movie sounds like it's going to reek. (And the trailer, embedded below, doesn't help either.) But that's not Lindsay's fault. Apparently, she pulled it together for some truly amazing emotional scenes, including one where Deen had to physically assault her. (Afterwards, she said: "I've got a lot of experience with that from my dad." Oh. That's actually horrible.) Nope, the real reason this movie will suck is director Paul Schrader, which is truly shocking considering the fact that he's responsible for some of Hollywood's most classic films. (Schrader directed American Gigolo, wrote Taxi Driver, and cowrote Raging Bull.) Case in point: In addition to not reshooting flawed scenes, he refused editing help from renowned director Steven Soderbergh (Contagion, Traffic) and ignored screenwriter Bret Easton Ellis's advice. (Ellis reportedly hates the final cut of TheCanyons.) But let's give Schrader some credit: He managed to spend three weeks with the hottest hot mess to ever walk the face of the Earth without checking in to a psych ward once. Props!!