The spectrum of sexuality is vast — truly. Some people try to put things in a binary of heterosexuality and homosexuality but to anyone who pays attention, there are clearly way more than that. Janelle Monae recently brought the conversation about pansexuality to the fore, distinguishing it from bisexuality. Now, author Alex Kazemi has come out as demisexual in an interview and caught backlash as a result.
"I'm a demisexual demigod," Kazemi reportedly said in an interview with King Kong Garcon according to the Pop Crave Twitter account. Kazemi wrote Pop Magick — A Simple Guide to Bending Your Reality which had a foreword by Rose McGowan and has contributed as a journalist and cultural commenter to various publications. "Demisexuality is the future. The idea of demisexuality is only having sex with people that you feel emotions, love or energy for. It's so much about the souls connecting."
The tweet brought out a ton of trolls, joking that the sexuality revolved around Demi Lovato. Others said that the sexuality does not exist or conflated it saying that everyone should only have sex with people they feel emotions for. But the nuance surrounding demisexuality is not centered around whether or not you have casual sex but who you are sexually attracted to — it's a small difference but it's there. This is less about liking someone and holding out until you get to know them, and more centered on not having feelings at all unless you know a person. Some consider it to be a part of the asexual spectrum of sexualities.
As he doesn't have social media, Kazemi told Out his experience of sexuality and coming to identify as a demisexual.
Demisexuality is the orientation that best fits me. I don't experience sexual attraction to someone unless I'm emotionally attracted to them. Some people take it a step further and identify as demisexual-hetero, demi-homo, demi-bi. I just identify as demi.
I realized that this described me when I was incapable of having sex with someone without romance, emotion, or feeling. I was persecuted by my peers for being prudent, and puritan and pressured into hook-up culture, and I felt like something was defective, and broken about me for not being able to experience sexual attraction like everyone else. Then someone said to me "I think you are demisexual," and I looked into it and I was blown away with how many answers it gave me, and how so much pain in that moment was validated and cleared up. For demisexuals, sexual experience can only be unlocked through romantic experience, and emotional intimacy. The label organized a lot of internal turmoil and chaos for me.
I actually call it a magickal orientation because we are a lesser known orientation and are just becoming visible now. It's magick and rare, and special to be demisexual and I'd love to date someone one day who also identifies this way.
The frustration people are facing for wanting me to label me in their box they feel I fit in has nothing to do with me. I am doing what works for me, and I'm not asking to be believed or accepted. I am following my instincts; this is just what fits for me. I know that I'm rare, and I'm willing to take that people are skeptical and believe this in an invalid orientation. Maybe because this is something new it will scare people, but I'm happy to take that risk, to be myself and hope others can do the same, for those who are out there and feel the same as me. I've gotten dozens of letters from people saying they felt seen and validated by my coming out. That's what matters.