The 12 Best Types of Gay Men
By Michael Musto
Illustration by Ryan Casey
My recent column critiquing the 12 worst types of gay men drew a firestorm of controversy, with lots of people lining up to say that I was #13 just for writing such a thing. Well, those naysayers had better absolutely adore this column because it’s positive and appreciative and oh so loving of the good things about our community. And if you don’t, then you’re #13, nyah nyah.
And so, the 12 most fabulous types of gay guys are:
1. The ones who are aware of current political events. They don’t just think everything’s hunky dory in the world—they’re fully cognizant of crises, challenges, and debates about gay rights. These guys have a healthy sense of anger about homophobia-related issues and what’s more, they vote, attend rallies, and post opinions on developments other than the new Thom Browne window display. What’s more, they care enough about the LGBT movement that came before them to want to do an occasional search or maybe even ask someone a question about it. They might not necessarily have heard everything about Stonewall, but they want to, and I award serious points for that, as long as they do so pronto.
2. The kind who think of LGBTs as a community. They actually want to know all sorts of queers, figuring us connected in spirit, not just in name (and community centers). They even have some female friends! Including some male-to-female friends! Of a different color!
3. Guys with a wide bevy of cultural fixations. They care about things other than pop divas and reality shows. Their interests run larger than just whatever is being talked about on the most bubblegummy gossip boards. They’re free to enjoy all that stuff, mind you, as long as they drag their asses to theater, dance, opera, lectures, and museums once in a while. And not so they can cruise the ushers.
4. The kind who enjoy a wide variety of dating preferences. These guys couldn’t imagine issuing edicts like “No fats or femmes” and they certainly don’t prefer partners to be “straight acting.” Why would you want to date someone who’s acting anything? (I’d never date an actor!)
5. Queens who can joke about their bouts of stereotypical behavior. If they find themselves blurting things like, “Hey gurl, hey,” they should be able to at least stop for a second, stand back, and make a joke about it. Like, “Sorry, gurl!”
6. The ones who think heterosexuals are people, too. Mighty white of them.
7. The ones who can banter right back at you. When you say, "Celine Dion walks into a bar...," they don't go, "Really? You'd think she would have beverages in her limo!"
8. The ones who have no clue how to decorate an apartment, an earlobe, or a soufflé. They're completely lost when it comes to filling the designer shoes of a stereotypically tasteful gay. But what they do have is character, and you can't get that in a store, honey. (Oops. Sorry, honey.)
9. Muscle gays who have a healthy, casual relationship with the working out lifestyle. They don’t consider the gym a complete evening out or a real life’s goal.I’m sure it can be totally rewarding, but please take it for what it is. Whether it’s a feel-good healthy treat or merely a vain ritual, don’t think you’ve been to Mecca. It’s just the gym.
10. Disco bunnies who can surprise you on the dance floor. They know moves beyond right-foot-cha-cha-cha, left-foot-cha-cha-cha, plus an occasional fist in the air. The best gays can bust out of that routine and work a few original moves, even if some observers might think they look silly. They don’t. It’s only a boring dancer that’s shameful to be around.
11. Married men who will let you be a third wheel now and then. Just because they have a husband doesn’t mean they want to isolate themselves into a coupled life, removed from all other contact. They’ll reach out and welcome you to join in their fun out of a sincere desire to share their lives and keep the friendship going. And you should say, “I’m so there. Can I bring my husband?”
12. The kind who like to meet people in person. You know, face to face. It’s revolutionary, but it happens. (And not just ushers.)