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These Are the Tops and Bottoms of the Democratic Debate

Who won the CNN Democratic presidential debates? Who lost?

Joe Biden? I’m sorry, my dear, but you are up for elimination.

I said it before, and I'll say it again: Tonight was a fucking mess. Unlike the first night of CNN's Democratic presidential primary debates, which were structured poorly but at least featured 2020 hopefuls like Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders coming out looking like solid candidates, the second night had no real winners, as would-be contenders like former Vice Pres. Joe Biden and Sen. Kamala Harris spent all night sniping at each other instead of making the case for themselves. It was also poorly structured. Much like that tie-dye kaftan I bought off of Etsy, forcing nearly a dozen candidates onto one stage just does. Not. Work.

That said, it's time to pick some winners and losers. Why? Because we live under capitalism, baybee, that's how this thing works. Besides, even the worst episodes of RuPaul's Drag Race (the show you gays love, right?) still had winners and losers -- sometimes even two! So on that note, here are the top, bottom, and safe candidates for the second night of the CNN Democratic debates. Start your engines!

Michael Bennet: I can't remember one good thing you did tonight. Then again, I can't remember one bad thing you did tonight. You're safe.

Kirsten Gillibrand: When you come for the big dogs, make sure your bite is worse than your bark. You're safe.

Andrew Yang: You're one of the most incompetent candidates in this race, universal basic income plan notwithstanding. But the people love you, and the producers are forcing my hand. You're safe.

Tulsi Gabbard: You called a cop a cop. I respect that. You're safe.

Kamala Harris: I liked it when she called you a cop. I would like to see it again. You're safe.

Julian Castro: At the last debates, you were perfect, but tonight not so much. What happened to my sweet girl? This is a Black Swan reference. You're safe.

Cory Booker: You might've paid Rosario Dawson to be your girlfriend, but girlfriend? You were moderately okay tonight. You're safe.

Jay Inslee: I still don't know who you are, but when you pushed back on Biden's spineless climate change plan? You were that girl. You're a winner, baby. Now, go join the other girls.

Joe Biden: From your authoring of the 1994 crime bill that made our racist criminal justice system even more racist to voting for the Iraq War, you disgust me. I'm sorry, my dear, but you are up for elimination.

Bill de Blasio: Don't you have a killer cop to fire? I'm sorry, my dear, but you are up for elimination.

Who will get the chop? Hopefully most of them! Find out next time on Too Many Debates.

RELATED | No, the Democrats Didn't Ignore Queer Issues at the CNN Debates

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