It seems like everyday we’re blessed with a new reason to bow down to Our Lady of Radiant Skin. Unequivocally destined for world domination, the pop queen and entrepreneurial tour de force has embarked on yet another endeavor hot on the heels of releasing her line of lingerie: a line of Fenty water, sure to have consumers overdrafting their bank accounts in no time. “Rih-Juvenation” is here, and Out has all the exclusive details on each flavor of Fenty water hitting shelves soon, below.
Pour It Up
Purer than a drop of rain, this flavor will keep you hydrated and confident. Just one sip and next thing you know you’ll be donning an oversized camo jacket and a diamond choker around your neck while dragging a mannequin from Old Navy on a leather leash behind you. You won’t think twice about upgrading to UberBLACK because you’re fresh out of fucks to give, and if someone tries to give you a fuck you’ll give it right back.
No Calories, No Fucks
Want your skin to shine bright like a diamond? Do you want fearlessness to permeate from your pores? Do you want to exude the type of confidence that has you gently caressing the chin of a valet with your lace glove-clad finger as you saunter by? Make your Big Dick Energy known with this zero-calorie hydrating blend that will be sure to possess you with the moxie of a person who has an umlaut in their name for no reason. You’re a bad bitch. Comes with a complimentary aphrodisiac mood candle.
The line’s namesake, this flavor goes down smooth, but you come out hard. Not only will you feel rejuvenated physically, but in mind and spirit, too. You’ll pee clear, and see clear. Slip on a pair of lace-top, thigh-high pantyhose, walk into that staff meeting and tell it like it is.
This is just the same flavor as “Rih-Juvenation” except carbonated. Also, each bottle contains a bedazzled 12th century dagger in it.
Whether you’re at the turn-up or on your way to handcuff your man to a radiator because he tried it, add a little extra bounce to your strut with this electrolyte-heavy blend that packs a punch and gives your water a little extra flavor. Ensure mental clarity and physical agility when you interrupt a dude who just had to start a sentence with “actually…” by backing a Hummer limo over his foot. People will keep testing you in your everyday life but stay alert and ready by hydrating with this flavor.
Language, Nudity, Violence
This explicit blend will reinvigorate you to not take any on any extraneous bullshit. For example, your level of hydration will remind your client of the consequences that come with ghosting your follow-up email regarding payment for that freelance assignment. You’ll fight for what’s rightfully yours and you won’t let anything get in your way. To achieve the full health benefits of this flavor, stick a clip-on earring on your left nipple.
2010 Lucien Le Moine Chevalier-Montrachet
This water bottle is just filled with $660 premier white wine.
Greg Mania is a potty-mouthed New York City-based writer, comedian, and the recipient of numerous participation trophies. When he isn't working for The Huffington Post, Thought Catalog, Paper Magazine, and other outlets, he writes satirical columns for Out Magazine.