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Single-Ply Toilet Paper Must Be Stopped

Sinead O'Connor Rips Up Photo Of Pope John Paul II

Welcome to Fight the Real Enemy, Out’s probably irregular column where we take down our nemeses, one by one.

Jerry Falwell. Anita Bryant. Whichever stylist gave Beyoncé TERF bangs that one time. History has seen its fair share of homophobic monsters — those vile perpetrators of hatred and terror who would rather spread fear than compassion for our communities. While the actions of such powerful figures deserve our attention, this myopic focus on the most visible and only the most visible anti-gay evildoers makes it easy to forget all the smaller scale villains wreaking havoc on the margins.

That’s right. I’m talking about single-ply toilet paper, the silent homophobia lurking in your workplaces, hiding out in your favorite bars and restaurants — sometimes, even your home.

For those whose multi-ply access privilege has thus far blinded them from this scourge, single-ply toilet paper is thin and awful, like that 6’8” sound engineer who never texted me back. It’s made with but one-ply, which is French for “square of toilet paper connected to other squares of toilet paper,” and it’s this single-layer structure that causes such harm to our most vulnerable body parts.

People buy it because it’s cheaper, but at what cost? Your wallet will thank you, but will your hole? Single-ply toilet paper tends to be courser than its double and triple-ply contemporaries. “Getting micro-cuts from toilet paper is not as uncommon as one would think,” Marc Leavey, an internist at Baltimore’s Mercy Medical Center, told Yahoo for an article about buttholes. Micro-cuts and other single-ply-involved injuries diminish the likelihood that you’ll want to engage in anal and ass play, and without anal and ass play… you might as well stay home!

So, please. I’m begging you. Straight business owners and bar owners and roommates, for example my roommate who keeps buying single ply in bulk: Please stop immediately. You are aiding and abetting a crime against our communities. Like J-Lo in that movie where she learns how to box, we’ve had enough. I beg you.

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