There are very few things that have the ability to send me into an existential crisis before breakfast. Seeing Stephen Miller and his fake-ass, spray-painted hair trending on Twitter and in the Instagram stories of my contemporaries Nausea! Screaming! Questioning the meaning of it all! But there he was, staring at me in a freeze-frame on my social media--the literal devil and a paint-by-numbers widow's peak on his head.
Stephen Miller, the racist, ghoulish lackey of the Trump administration, is not exactly known for being a truth teller. In fact, the dude regularly gets on TV to spew lies on national television. But I'm going to come right out and say that his painted-on tuft of hair may be the biggest whopper of all. I'm awarding it all of the Pinocchios.
I have so many concerns about his misguided attempt to trick us all into thinking he suddenly sprouted hair from his racist head overnight. And they're all easy mistakes to fix that could have made this insane ruse slightly more believable. Most importantly, Stephen is trying to fix a problem that is too far gone--like slapping a piece of masking tape over a gaping hole in a dam. The man is bald, not balding, and that means hair powder is a no-no for him.
"The product isn't bad. What he did was bad," says Paul Warren, a professional hairstylist based in New York. In fact, hair powders can actually be useful if you've got thinning hair or a small bald spot. "But you need a perimeter for it to look good, and he doesn't have one," Warren says. Instead, Stephen attempted to spackle some shoe polish onto his smooth, hairless scalp -- which, no.
Other issues: Stephen left the back of his head bald, like we weren't all going to notice and disseminate the photo on Twitter. He also didn't match the shades of the spray to his actual hair -- a rookie mistake. Oh, and he painted on a fake widow's peak, which is insane. "You never stencil on a hairline," Warren says. "It will never look good." Does Stephen not have mirrors in his home, or does he just not have a reflection in them because he's literally a blood-sucking vampire? HD cameras have uncovered your scam, sir.
Generally, this was a hair calamity of epic proportions. But listen, dudes. It doesn't have to be this way! If you're hoping to convince people that your hair is thicker and more lucious than it is, then you can use powder like this to spot-treat thinning areas. "Spray it on where things are looking kind of thin," Warren says. But don't overdo it--the texture of the powder will never match the texture of your hair, so too much will be obvious.
Or just embrace the baldness! Seriously. Bald men are super hot, and it's time we as a society embrace and accept that. Nothing is ever going to look as good as your natural hair, so why not just accept this new babe level that you've unlocked? Look at Terry Crews! Look at Stanley Tucci! Look at Karamo Brown! Their domes are bare and they are fine as hell. Warren agrees. "I started losing my hair at 18, so I shaved it and never looked back," he says. If you're going to go that route, then treat your head like you would your face. So if you get razor burn on your cheeks, avoid a razor on your head. (Warren uses these clippers from Wahl Professional on his head.) Make sure to follow it up with a razor bump solution to keep things looking smooth.
And when you're hairless? Just oil your scalp up and rock it instead of spraying it with shit my father would buy from an infomercial circa 1997. It may never make me want to sleep with Stephen Miller, but for non-white-supremacists, it works like a sexy charm.
Related | Watch: GOP Advisor Calls Trump a 'Loudmouthed Dick' on Live TV