The dating scene in New York City is notorious for being nauseatingly frustrating, but after a ream of flakes, schmucks, and emotionally inept duds, I’m happy to report I’m happily dating someone. But after a few years of perpetual disappointment, there’s a few things I wish I had been told about dating as a gay man.
1. I wish someone told me that if you’re both tops or both bottoms, you have to fight to the death.
2. It doesn’t matter how much you like him, you have to dump him if he doesn’t know at least three of the monologues from “Cell Block Tango.”
3. If you date someone with the same name as you, you must both dress up like the twins from The Shining and say everything in monotone unison.
4. Your opinion of Halle Berry as Storm can make or break a relationship.
4a. The same goes for your top three favorite songs on The Fame Monster, if you prefer Prue or Paige, and what era of Britney was the best.
5. Xerox copies of your astrological chart in advance so when he asks you about your star sign 12 seconds into the first date, you’re prepared.
6. This is a quick tip for anyone regardless of sexual orientation, but worth noting: if you got it, flaunt it. (It = a printer).
7. You’re morally obligated to beat him with a baguette if he doesn’t know the hook to Gwen Stefani’s “The Sweet Escape.”
8. If you go home with somebody and they don’t have a DVD of The Devil Wears Prada, don’t fuck them.
9. Ghosting is totally OK if his idea of a perfect first date isn’t getting matching tattoos of Joan Cusack’s IMDb page.
10. Putting a label on it can be a tricky conversation. Instead, hire a dance troupe to somehow convey the question, “SO, WHAT ARE WE?” through movement.
11. Be open and honest about the boundaries of your relationship. Tell him if you don’t want to have a threesomes instead of lying on the other side of the bed doing a Sudoku puzzle and occasionally looking up to glare.
12. If you break up, you’re legally allowed to dress up like Beyoncé in the “Hold Up” music video and smash one (but only one) of his windows with a baseball bat.