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Dear Aliens: Episode 6, Bodhi's Birthday

Dear Aliens: Episode 6, Bodhi's Birthday


Puppies are the best, but losing one in a breakup is the worst. Jeffery Self documents his week for posterity, and for the extraterrestrials.

Dear Intergalactic Friends,

Well, I did exactly what I told myself I wouldn't do... I skipped writing you guys/girls/and non-gender identified beings for a few weeks. I wish I could say it was because I've been extremely busy but the truth of the matter is the complete opposite. For some reason, when I'm not busy is when I'm my most depressed, and consequently I get literally nothing done. So that's where I've been! How about you, space friends? Oh really? You guys get Bravo up there? COOL!

When we last left our intergalactic missives I had spent a depressing (ish) Halloween alone mourning my recently (ish) deceased three year (ish) relationship. It was a tough sheath of sorrow to shake off and I am still working on it. Much like the landscapes of your far away planets, our underdeveloped humanoid moods come in mountains and valleys. We don't have electromagnetic mood regulators--yet. For some of us, those with fewer happy chemicals going to our brains, the valleys can be terrifyingly deep and the mountains overwhelmingly high. I've been hiking this terrain for a few weeks and I'm exhausted and would love to find a lovely little lodge somewhere on this trail with a fully stocked cocktail lounge and restaurant, where a wise old bartender named something like Chet would tell me stories of his adorably offbeat childhood.

Another little bump in my road has been the fact that tomorrow is my former dog's first birthday. When relationships end, two people must split all the things they share, and despite my efforts, my dog went with his other dad. It was an extremely messy ordeal that could have been made easier, I reckon, if I had just thrown in the towel and not attempted to fight to keep the little puppy I'd brought home and
raised for the greater half of his first year on earth.

The truth is, having a dog alone and venturing out in my current life as a single man, would have proven to be terribly difficult and in some ways unfair to my dog. I know that the little cutie is getting a beyond wonderful life with his other dad and that he'll be given the best and tenderest of care forever and ever. I also know that the time I got to spend with him at the beginning of his life taught me a lot about love that I didn't know before and I'll always treasure that.

It's hard though, with this red letter date looming on my calendar, not to feel a little piece of my heart break off. I'm not sure what the situation is up in your galaxy with pets, specifically dogs. I know dogs have been sent to space, but so have Muppets and Sandra Bullock, so who the hell knows what's what. Regardless, if there's one innate, special thing I think we humans can teach you highly evolved, far more intelligent and enlightened (and sexy to boot) space creatures it's the love between a person and a dog.

Over the weekend I dog-sat for my friend Joey, keeping his eight-year-old French bulldog Franklin. It was such a joy hear the scampering of little feet in the house again, to feel that warmth beside me in bed, to see those eyes looking up at me asking, "Okay, is it dinner yet?" It took me back there, to my dog, to one of the greatest and most fulfilling chapters of my life thus far. The closest thing to feeling like a dad, like somebody that somebody else really and truly needed, depended on, and loved more than anyone else in the world. You matter, to some furry little somebody, you matter.

It's a special feeling, and if you take nothing else from the human existence, dear aliens, take that. The love of humanoid and dog. If I could all figure out a way to follow that example with the rest of my life, or rather if we all could, then the world, no, the entire universe would be a happier and cooler place.

I miss you Bodhi. Thanks for the many lessons. Happy First Birthday.

JEFFERY SELF is the author of 50 Shades of Gay and Straight People. He was the co-star of the sketch comedy series, Jeffery & Cole Casserole on Logo. You can view his blog at and follow him on Twitter at @Jefferyself.

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