9 Ways to Deal with the Homophobic Mercury in Retrograde

Yikes. Looks like Mercury is retrograding again, my cosmic queens. The good news is that you can start blaming your personal downfalls on seemingly arbitrary orientations of the planets and stars. The bad news is that astrology is fully real, and Mercury in retrograde means that our communicative lives are truly in turmoil for a little more than a month.

According to our lord, goddess, and saviour Chani Nicholas, Mercury will be retrograding through Pisces from March 5 through March 28. With our big, watery emotional Pisces moon and Uranus re-entering Taurus, we are ready for history to be made -- for better or worse! "Reason can get washed away, but so too can resentments," says Nicholas in her weekly newsletter and course offering. "Uranus asks us to innovate our relationship to our resources. Liberating us from outdated ideas of industry, it's time for us to personally and collectively reassess how we live on, and work with this one precious earth we all share."

If you're new to being gay, Mercury in retrograde means a lot of things, but primarily it's when all your messaging, book-keeping, and information streams get tossed into a meat grindr. From earth, it would seem as if Mercury, the celestial body that's essentially our communication traffic controller, is creating an optical illusion that makes it seem like its moving backwards in orbit. It's that teeny little planet's way of saying, "Hey, faggot, look alive!"

So here is your gay guide to surviving this hellfire through the 26th.

1. Book your gaycations tactfully.

Planning a trip to Palm Springs? Still haven't got your timeshare on Fire Island? Well, tbh, you're a little late in the game, lady, but if you're thinking of booking your getaways now you can just stop right there. Mercury in retrograde is the worst time to travel or book travel, so if you absolutely must get something planned right away, I implore you to book with a group or an assistant that will double and triple check those reservations for you. Otherwise, your gaycation in Maui could be in danger.

2. Avoid breakups

Look, if you've been looking to end things with your insignificant other, we get it. Love is tough, and the not-really-feeling-it-but-clearly-you're-emotionally-attached-than-I-am can be even tougher. Now is the time where whatever message you're trying to communicate, especially the super sensitive ones, are very susceptible to misinterpretation. If you're on the fence about breaking up with someone, give it a second thought. Hold out for a little bit, and make sure you're otherwise communicating your motives very clearly in the interim.

3. Mind your nudes!

Are you one of those queers that sends around a lot (like, a lot-a lot) of nudes? Look, we're not slut-shaming you. All we're saying is just be very careful with who, and which channels, you share nudes with. Astrologically speaking, now is exactly the time when the planets plot against you to trick you into accidentally sending a nude to someone you don't want to -- perhaps your company's general slack channel, or that guy you just broke up with even tho I told you not to break up with people right now??

4. Keep gossip to a minimum.

Look, we as queer people get to choose our families, as well as the friends and loved ones we talk shit about. We know the group chat is *flames emoji* with hot goss on whatever mess Brett got into this weekend, but now is not the time. Don't fan the flames, don't engage, don't stir the pot! Things like this are gonna come back to bite you before the moon is even full.

5. Avoid major financial splurges.

You know I'm proud of that big ol' paycheck you just got. But now is not the time to spend it on that Hermes bag you've had your eye on, or that Jonathan Adler credenza you've had in your cart for a bit. If there's one thing you should save for, it's Mercury in retrograde. Now is this time where (expensive) accidents happen, and you'll want to be prepared. The complete suite of Glossier Play products can wait!

6. Stay informed.

You know that feeling you get that you're always gonna say the wrong thing, especially in this age of social media call-outs? Well, when Mercury is in retrograde, that goes double. Instead of worrying about whether you're "woke" enough or complaining about how you can't keep up with kids these days, why not just, I dunno, read? We're in a new age of information, so make sure you're getting the right sources. May we suggest Out.com to start?

7. Brunch more.

That's right, mama. I said going to brunch is literally going to help you get through this Mercury cycle. Here's why: Retrograde is a time when all your textual and electronic communications go haywire. Things get lost in translation in your group chats and emails, so it's in your best interest to initiate in-person hang outs as much as possible. Which, of course, includes brunch with your gal pals and colleagues.

8. Stay away cold brew and other stimulants.

As hard as it is for me to imagine getting through the next month without the soothing course of iced coffee through my veins in the dead of winter, retrograde implores you to not go overboard. During Mercury in retrograde, you want to be in full command of your faculties, keeping your brain as air tight as possible. Cold brew and espresso, which have the most caffeine, are options you might want to forgo if you have to answer a lot of emails right now. Also, drugs and alcohol. Like, okay you can do them, but don't do them if you have a lot of stuff to get done sometime in the next 12-24 hours.

9. Actually, just practice a lot of brain wellness in general.

Drugs and caffeine aside, there are even more things you can do for your everyday mindfulness that will help you avoid the chaos that is retrograde. Meditate once a day. Take time to review your daily and weekly schedules. Practice digital detoxes and seeking time away from your phone for hours at a time. Don't miss therapy! You don't want to fall into negative thinking cycles that slow you down. Don't miss yoga or your spin class either, because endorphins keep you looking alive! Keep your phone charged (invest in a portable battery!) and try to only listen to very chill music, like new Solange, duh.

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