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'True Blood' Recap: Super Snatch Gets Smashed

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Episode four served up Super Snatch/Alcide action, a fairy orgy, and a 12-year-old getting permanent time-out

Yes, I know that all of my headlines have either been a Pam quote or a variation of "Super Snatch does X." But you're just going to have to deal with it. I mean, Pam's the best character ever, and she says the best things ever, and I'll love her forever. The end.

So let's get right into it, shall we?

We start out with Pam saving Tara from committing suicide in the tanning salon. (BTW, couldn't Tara have just gone to Rent-a-Stake and killed herself the usual way? I feel like this method was 100% stupid, and just a tiny bit absolutely disgusting.) Anyway, Pam basically just saves Tara by telling her to stop.

But actually. Pam just tells Tara to stop with her "Maker" powers. And then she stops. It's the most anticlimactic thing in the history of...ever.

Next, we find out that Lafayette hates Super Snatch because she's responsible for the deaths of a bunch of people. But apparently it isn't enough for Lafayette to just make Super Snatch cry, so he also decides to turn into Darth Maul, scream some voodoo incantations, and mess with her brake system. I feel like it's time for Lafayette to go into therapy, because he seems to be going through a lottttt of issues.

Meanwhile, Stabler is watching Nora being tortured on his Mac (I guess he got bored of playing Farmville.) BTW: Between Bill and Eric's iPhone-controlled silver bras and Stabler's torture-Mac, I'm beginning to think that one of the True Blood writers is dating someone at Apple. But I digress.

OMG. Eric's back at Fangtasia! Just in time to find out that he's a grandpa. But I guess he's not too happy about that, because he sort of brutalizes Pam and accuses her of being loose-lipped about the Russell situation. Nope. Wrong. Pam is still sort of hurt, though, and asks him to release her from his Maker magic. Later, after Pam wakes up in the middle of the night day looking all sorts of glamorous (heels and perfect hair!!!), he actually does release her. And it's sad. In fact, water may have even leaked out of my eyes. But I would never tell you if it did.

There's some more drama back at the Authority, where all the Chancellors are whining about the Sanguinistas and blah blah blah I don't care. Someone needs to die or get laid or eat somebody. Thankfully, there's a good line courtesy of the 12-year-old vampire, who is apparently a douchebag and a braggart. ("I passed bills all across Scandinavia months ago. Just saying.") Ummmm, too bad you don't even have hair on your balls yet. Just saying.

But back to Bon Temps. Remember that judge who bought Sheriff Andy lunch? He invites Andy and Jason to some giant fairy orgy that actually seems pretty chill until all the fairies start breaking into a freaking Bollywood dance in the middle of the stage. Also, Andy runs into that fairy that he sexed in the middle of the forest last season. Also, Jason finds out from Super Snatch's cousin that his parents were killed by vampires and not a flood as he previously thought. Also, Jason and Andy get kicked out of the orgy. Also, two fairies shoot laser beams at their faces. Also, they pee themselves.

While all that trippy supernatural stuff is happening in Bon Temps, Terry is busy flashbacking to the Iraq War where he accidentally shot tons of innocent Iraqis while wasted and stoned. This part of the episode is legitimately sad, if only because it doesn't involve anything supernatural and instead draws attention to a real issue that real people can relate to (i.e. PTSD.)

(Btw, I can def sympathize with Terry's situation. I've tried playing Call of Duty after a few drinks, and it is HARD.)

As for Super Snatch, she sort of gets let off the hook regarding the Debbie situation: Alcide covers her and Jessica glamours Sheriff Andy. I was def thinking she'd have to go to jail or flirt with a policeman or something, but maybe the writers have another trick up their sleeves? Or maybe they just want to make sure that things move along with Alcide, which I obvs have no problem with. (P.S. LOVED seeing Super Snatch get smashed. I mean, yeah, it was sort of sad because every person in the world hated her for the Tara thing...and she had just narrowly missed death due to Lafayette's voodoo stuff...but STILL. She got laid. Yes.) Oh, and speaking of Jessica, I loved when Bill called her out on having bad weed. Props to Bill, and I totes agree. I expect a lot more from Jess.

But I wouldn't be able to recap this episode without briefly mentioning that STABLER STABBED THE TWELVE-YEAR-OLD. Whattttttttt. Apparently, the kid was off his ADHD meds one night and decided to throw a temper tantrum that included both normal temper tantrum behaviors (i.e. screaming, being an as*hole) and abnormal temper tantrum behaviors (i.e. eating a human being.) Obvs Stabler found out and was pretty pissed, so he permanently grounded the twelve-year-old by stabbing him with the Judas stake. I'm kind of bummed that I won't be able to make fun of this little dude anymore, but at least things are getting real at the Authority. Like, SO real.

Anywayyy, that's all for this week (except for Sam's Animorph friends getting murdered), but have a wonderful Fourth of July and make sure to have a drink for Super Snatch next time you hear the Pina Colada song! Mwah!

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Evan Lambert