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Girlfriend

Girlfriend! Kelly Osbourne

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'Fashion Policewoman' and first-class provacatress Kelly Osbourne politely requests that you follow protocol.

Photo: E! / Timothy White

1. I will take dating advice from you when you stop treating "monogamy" like an expletive.

2. Just because I was raised by a drag queen, doesn't mean I always want to look like one. (Although sometimes I do.)

3. I am not Joan Rivers's agent. So please stop asking me if you can meet her. (Of course you can.)

4. Though I love a good fight, I will not analyze your boyfriend's passive-aggressive texts.

5. Remember that I'm currently on a show called Fashion Police, and I will make a citizen's arrest if you leave the house wearing those pleated khakis.

6. No, I will not text you the next time Anderson Cooper takes the treadmill next to me at Equinox. But I will if Fabio does.

7. Please speed up your going-out regimen. It doesn't take two hours to steam a crease out of a polo shirt.

Kelly Osbourne can be seen on E!'s Fashion Police.

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