Guys Gone Wild Viewing Party

Sure, watching one of the Guys Gone Wild DVDs on your own may provide some pleasure. But nothing beats viewing the discs with some witty friends and letting the bon mots fly. So I invited actress and trans-activist Calpernia Addams and her business partner (and fellow activist), Andrea James, over for a few margaritas and a large helping of the recently released Guys Gone Wild: The Big Easy. For the uninitiated, the Guys Gone Wild series follows in the steps of its big sister Girls Gone Wild in traveling the country to events where young people often find themselves intoxicated (i.e.: spring break) and getting them to take their clothes off in exchange for a hat or a T-shirt. Let the catty comments begin! Subject One: A hot, blond-ish boy with some tattoos ANDREA: Theyre trying to get our attention. ME: Its working. CALPERNIA: Nothing like a night of margaritas and softcore porn. Said blond boy becomes more gorgeous when he strips down to nothing and showers off, showing that he has nothing to be ashamed of. WOMANS VOICE ON DVD: I think youre dirty. You need soap! CALPERNIA: Me, too! ME: I think I might need some soap after watching this. Subject Two: A bevy of boys running around only wearing football jerseys while passing the pigskin CALPERNIA: Not pantless footballagain! Enough said.Subject Three: Sexy brunette guy chokes his chicken for the camera GUY ON DVD: Youll be amazed when it gets hard. CALPERNIA: Ive heard that before. Sadly, he never does stand at attention and admits defeat. ANDREA: Dont worry. It happens to lots of guys. Subject Four: Guy in the back of a car who puts his less-sizable meat into a hotdog bun provided by the camera girl CALPERNIA: White Castle does these. They call them Mini-Pups. Subject Five: A good-looking African-American with a shockingly small endowment gets in the showerWhen asked by the camera girl, the guy rates himself a nine-and-a-half. ANDREA: I guess the half is the penis. Subject Six: A young man gets in the back of a car and is given womens panties to put onwhich he does CALPERNIA: She cant wait to get those panties on! GUY ON DVD: Man, this doesnt fit as well as my other one. He proceeds to do some dick tricks (the wristband is a must-see) before running around outside in the panties. ANDREA: Hes just humiliating himself now. ME: Now?! Cause before it was so classy. Subject Seven: Random men showing off body parts.At this point, the margaritas are starting to take hold and its becoming difficult to tell one guy from the next. CALPERNIA: I need to go to Spring Break. One guy begins doing tricks with his schlong. ANDREA: Thank you, Mister Circus Penis. CALPERNIA: Clearly, I have been spoiled by gay porn. One lad says, when hard, he gets to be about eight inches. CALPERNIA: Why does every guy say that? ME: Clearly they have never seen a ruler. Another starts dancing. Badly. ME: Oh, my God, hes doing the robot! ANDREA: With his balls hanging out!! One rubs against a wood beam. ANDREA: Careful, youre going to get a splinter. CALPERNIA: That is not the first pole this guy has danced on. A guy pulls out a soft-but-gigantic member. We stare in stunned silence until he opens his mouth. GUY ON DVD: Girls masturbate to this. ALL OF US: Girls?! A kinda heavy, kinda not-great-looking guy appears. CALPERNIA: Hes kinda cute. ANDREA: In that going to seed way. ME: Hed be cuter if he lost 20 pounds. ANDREA: And had a head transplant. Subject Eight: A man who knows what he has GUY ON DVD: I have the smallest cock in America. Im hung like a Tic Tac. This doesnt stop him from pulling it out. ANDREA: The last time I saw something like that, it had a hook in it. Subject Nine: A man has sex with an inflatable sheep. No, were not kidding. ANDREA: Hes baaaaaaaad. CALPERNIA: Is it still called doggie style if youre fucking a sheep? After pummeling the helpless blow-up animal, the guy starts masturbating himself. CALPERNIA: Well, he does deserve a prize for being the only guy to achieve a full erection. Much to all of our surprise, the guy actually finishes the job. ANDREA: OK, he is now qualified to be a porn star. The recap CALPERNIA: The first guy was my favorite. ANDREA: They knew who to start with! ME: Lots of cute guys, although some were a little, um, disappointing. ANDREA: Turns out, not everything in the Big Easy is big. CALPERNIA: Yes, we needed more big and less easy!