Not Cute
1.16.2012
By Drew Droege
Illustration by Jérôme Mireault
I guess Danielle is married by now. A few months ago, I spotted her sweaty ass, sporting a dirty paper tiara, slamming mojito shots, and screaming, “This is my jam, bitches!” in reference to Katy Perry’s “I wanna see your Peacock! Cock! Cock!” while her equally raunchy girlfriends fucked the air and whistled.
Where was I? A cousin’s wedding in South Carolina? An airport Applebee’s with half-off sliders and ranch? A boozy secretary’s birthday bash? No. I was at Akbar, in the deliciously chill eastside of Los Angeles. I did not know Danielle—yet.
I’m at Akbar all the time—I’m probably there right now. It describes itself as “a neighborhood oasis,” and it’s a hot mash-up of faux-Moroccan kitsch and Silver Lake–Los Angeles, realness. In the front are autographed headshots of Drew Barrymore, Edith Massey, Alex Trebek, and Fred Schneider. Imagine having a cocktail with that foursome, and you have an idea of what Akbar can be. There’s both a dub-step/ska night and a craft night.
While I love and embrace that everyone is invited, let’s face it: It’s a gay bar. It’s not your typical twink tweeking Gaga Freaknik. But come on, no straight bar would display Queen Carlotta’s headshot ensconced in gold.
It was a Friday night at Akbar. I’d just seen some wretched theater and needed to drink it off. It’s packed and feral. Boys have their shirts off, the bartenders are doing shots with the barbacks, lesbians are being irresponsible—and it’s only 11. I push my way through the nasty jungle of naked and saddle up to the bar. Just before I can say “Grey Goose and soda,” I feel a horrifically violent stab to my kidneys. Holy shit, I think. Someone’s stealing my organs. Then I hear a piercing shriek that sounds like a parrot getting fisted. “Oh my God, I’m drunk!” exclaims a vision in Wet Seal who smells like Cancun and ham. “Wow, that really hurt,” I say.
She replies, “I don’t know how that happened!” just before falling down. Several of us pick her up, try to remount her tiara on top of her shellacked mess of offensive hair, and stand her back upright in heels that she can’t handle. “You boys are sooo cute!” says the barf wagon, as she clumps away.
I don’t think too much of it—she’s drunk, it’s crowded, it happens. I get my vodka-soda and head toward the back room, in the mood for the dance floor. The DJs playing Grace Jones, Sylvester, De La Soul, The Darkness—bliss. I’m grinding, sweating, losing my mind, and making choices with no apologies. At this moment, everything is beautiful. Suddenly, the DJ switches to Katy Perry. Time to get a new drink.
In storms a deluge of Midori-drinking harpies. It’s her! And she’s brought more of her kind! “You were in the last bar!” she squawks.
“I was just in the other room,” I say, as I attempt to avoid her and her kickline of sweaty blowjob machines.
“What!?!?!? Hahah—I’m Danielle. What’s your name? You’re soooo cute!!”
Again with the cute thing. And she didn’t say it like, “Damn, you’re hot, good for you.” Or even like, “You’re mildly attractive, best of luck tonight!” No, she said it like she was at the fucking zoo. She was looking at me like I was a goddamned billygoat.
Another girl chimed in with, “Danielle, you should make out with him! This is your night!”
Oh yeah—this is Danielle’s bachelorette party. And she’s gonna celebrate by getting blackout plowed on Hpnotiq, shaking her dumb party tits to Katy Perry, and kickin’ it with the gays because they’re “cute.”
She also burps bon-mots like, “You’d love my brother,” or, “Doesn’t my Bumpit look ferosh?”
I used to have an issue with bachelorette parties at gay bars—ummm, we can’t get married (most places), so please don’t swing it in our faces at our bars.
But on the other hand, I have plenty of wonderful straight friends who should be allowed to celebrate this huge occasion wherever, however they want. And I love Akbar for welcoming everyone—it’s the neighborhood fucking oasis.
So, I don’t resent Danielle because she’s a straight girl—I resent her because she’s a drunk, condescending asshole.
Welcome to Akbar. Grab a cocktail. Congratulations.
Just don’t call us cute.
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All I can say is, I've been to Akbar, and you got the atmosphere down-pat!
TAKE A JOKE, ALL OF YOU.
When will you bring Chloe Sevigny to our attention again? To-ast!
Bad behavior is bad behavior is bad behavior.
It matters not, who you love, as long as you are loving. That, shall I say, young lady, seems to have forgotten that there were fellow human beings in the establishment prior to and while she was there. Who you love does not determine your value. The same foolish souls of the that would grab an African American baby from its mother's arms and treat it like a toy...commenting on how "adorable" it is...have come around again to mistreat the new "sub-humans." I am straight, married, a mother and a grandmother. I want the writer to to know the following: One careless insensitive set of boobs who chose to over indulge in a mind altering substance, owes you a deep and sincere apology. Since that will most likely not happen...please accept my apology. May you walk with pride and may you always find love.
This artical is so far beyond ridiculous. Who the hell are you Drew Droege? It's self centered people like you that give gays a bod name.
I find all the other commentary amusing, and I vaguely agree.
HOWEVER, I do like the article. I think its comical and it definately makes its point. With this, I dont think that women understand their 'gay friends' as much as they think they do. We are not dogs/cats, we are not 'adorable' or 'cute', etc. And lastly, the last thing I want to do is make out with your drunken whore friend. Its equally as discriminating for us to feel like animals as it is for us to hate your stupid party.
Lastly, I would sugest that NO BACHELORETE PARTY ever take place in a gay bar. Your only confusing the lesbians who are trying to figure out who the lesbian is in the party. Kindly drop off your lesbian friends on your way to the party so our lesbian sisters dont have to work so hard! :D Thank You! :D
Drew Droege, I looked you up, I'm pretty sure nobody would refer to you as "cute". The bashing and name calling is even less attractive. This is the type of hate filled and judgmental nonsense that just drives a wedge between different genres of people. Too bad something that could be a constructive criticism and a catalyst for gaining understanding has turned into a bitter bitch sesh.
Ok, I disagree with everything you said. I thought this article was funny as hell! I can't think of anything more awful than straight drunk girls dancing to Katy Perry at the gay bar... but you were right about one thing... Drew Droege, really isn't that cute.
You missed the part where he described her as too drunk to accurately determine who is (or is not) cute. HTH
I thought we WANTED equality. Oh, just not in the GAY bars. Some of my Fellow Gay's need to get over themselves, we have more important things to FOCUS on, like seriously.
Shane, we do want equality. But like all people, we do want a place that is just our own, to be around our own kind, and there's nothing wrong with that. There are football bars, and soccer lovers don't go to them. There are hiphop bars, and you don't have country people having bachelorette (or bachelor) parties there, either.
Here in Austin, there are over 600 bars in the downtown area, most of them on Sixth Street. There are three gay bars in one little area, and that's it. Why must the breeders, who have the other 99.999999% of the city for their kind, take over our one little oasis?
I don't even particularly like it when straight people come in at all, but I'm tolerant, because, well, I have to be. I really would prefer it if you left the person you're using as your artificial ego (aka fa* hag) at home, little twink, because she's cockblocking me from hitting on you, and frankly, she's a vapid idiot with no self-identity who's grabbing onto yours because she's too stupid to figure her own out.
Honestly, it's bad enough when they're with them, but I well and truly DESPISE when straight people come to gay bars without their gay friends. What, the rest of the world isn't good enough? You have have to come and overrun our tiny little plot of land where we can be ourselves, among ourselves, and not have to worry about getting into a bar fight by hitting on some drunk straight hick whose idiot hag girlfriend dragged him to a bar to show him how cute the gay boys are and how sexy the lesbians are.
We're not a f*cking zoo. When we want to be around the rest of the world, we will be. When we're trying to stay home, well, get the f*ck out of our living room.
Bar owners listen up! These annoying parties are driving away your loyal, neighborhood and more important, paying customers. I just witnessed this at Hunter Bar in Palm Springs last weekend. We gay boys are a pretty tolerant bunch. We put up with a lot of crap in our daily lives. We go to our bars to get away from that. Not have it rubbed in our faces.
I also saw these girls taking photos and posting them online. Guys were fleeing in droves as most of us don't advertise our bar patronage on facebook for our families to have to see.
Bar owners should have the right to refuse to let in a group of people who are not there to support what the establishment was designed for. Instead, these groups are making a mockery of our lives and lifestyle.
It needs to stop or bars will lose their staple clientele and become extinct vestiges of our history.
Where is Harvey Milk?
I couldn't agree more. As a gay man who's friends took him to Swinging Richards in Atlanta for his birthday I was set to have a great time. It is marketed as a GAY bar with all-nude dancers. Well, a screaming table of "bachelorettes" could not have been a bigger boner-killer. AS MEN, we were there for the male "energy" and it was just ruined !
I'm of many minds about this article and issue. I'm a (mainly) straight woman who tends to "live" in the gay community because I've found a family there. In my city there's one specific bar in which a large percentage of my friends work, and I spend a lot of time there. I see lots of this kind of behavior, as do my friends who work there. I agree that bachelorettes' antics are often of the facepalming, head-shaking sort and honestly "Danielle's" behavior as chronicled in this piece is unfortunate and embarrassing. However, as much as I tend to agree with the author's point, his point of view and attitude are just as unfortunate as the behavior that he is describing. I agree that his right to his space is being impinged upon and that's not right. However, he is not in control of that. What he is in control of is his behavior toward it and calling her and her group a "kickline of blowjob machines" speaks to such utter disrespect that it leaves me unsympathetic to his cause. My friends who work in the bar are certainly more irritated with these women than I am, but at least they are sympathetic and acknowledge: "There's nowhere else in this city where they can go and have a party free of a million straight men." The bar has caught on and is starting to offer specific packages for bachelorettes. I don't think any of the staff are terribly keen, but hey, it makes them money too. In short, I can understand the frustration of having one's space invaded by someone disrespectful, but that doesn't require disrespect in return.
Let me understand this, you mixed soda with Grey Goose? Have you no decency? Have you no shame?
Should probably just try to play it up & out-raunch them.
It used to be sexy to cruise other men at gay bars. Not anymore. Women think they are living a Sex In The City fantasy by hanging out with us. They really are just buzz kills that suck the male sexuality out of the space.Some would go to bathhouses if they could. I am sure it wont be long before they invade Grinder. Yeah! Hanging with like the gays! Like fun! Boner killer. I do like the 12 comments on here saying that gay men have no right to their own space. Can you imagine if straight men invaded lesbian bars???
I completely agree, major boner-killer!
I used to feel that those kind of parties were fun. Now, not so much. I see the reality behind it and it just pisses me off. Thank you for being articulate in saying for all of us.
Hugs and kisses
Seems to me that these drunken women made the decision to go to a gay bar when they were sober, which means that there is something about gay culture, gay men or gay places that has an appeal. A scene like that would make me uncomfortable, but not angry.
So because Women who are straight and harassed by their male peers should be justified in making gays more miserable because they (women) are. Perhaps straight women need to clean up their own before passing their problems on to gays who seem to have more than enough crap thrown at them as it is. I think non gays should stay out of gay bars! I have been to straight bars that say this is a straight bar so act straight - Well, I feel the same - this is a Gay bar and either act gay or stay out! I am still against rudeness both straight or gay so don't act like those you hate..................... be better than them.
' non gays should stay out of gay bars'
that's called discrimination you moron.
Dick's Cabaret is Phoenix is a stripper joint marketed to gay men. But they allow bachellorettes to come and get crazy. Most of the dancers who are straight or gay for pay devote their attention to them and ignore the gay patrons. What's the point of calling it a gay establishment anymore?
I heart you! It's hard to be welcoming and not not a door mat. You,a s always, say it with grace.
you are a show x
A bar in Chicago (I believe it's cocktail) doesn't allow bachlorette parties and there is a bar in New Orleans in the french quarter that has a big sign saying no bachlorette parties.
What really iritates me is that is to some of these women, we are like free entertainment and some kind of freak show. Once I was in the village visiting in NYC and a party had rented a trolley and they were at the light at fourth and Christopher and one of the girls (who was very heavy) started holding her wrist out asking this couple holding hands why their wrists weren't out like that and she thought every gay did that. She shouted out at some slur like "fudge packer meeting on Christopher) and a guy had enough and shouted back "weight watcher meeting on that trolley" Why would a bridge to be want to be around something like that? I was at Roscoe in Chicago once during market days when there was a long line to get in and a bachlorette party in a chartered limo stopped and got nasty with the ID checker that he told them they would have to wait in line (the one girl felt that since they were a bachlorette party they could just go to the front of the line). They did wait in line and when they got in the bar it was pretty iritating because they kept going up to these gays guys flirting with them.
Maybe gays should have bachlor parties and go to str8 strip clubs with male dancers to celebrate the night before our weddings in places where gay marriage is legal:)
There are no straight bars with male dancers for us to invade. Maybe a one off show in Vegas or what ever but I doubt it would be tolerated. Its called "I am straight" so even if the go-go boy is gay he must want to make out with me.
Does it feel good to call a pitiful and annoying girl all those names?
First of all, not all women are like that.
Second of all, I think you could have made the point about bringing bachelorette parties to places other than gay bars without picking on one girl who seemed to embody all the stereotypes of an annoying straight girl in a gay bar.
Name calling is not pretty - you should know that as a gay man. This is really a hateful piece.
BS - I am a straight woman who, back when I was in my twenties (and always as part of a group of mixed gender, mixed sexuality friends), used to go to gay bars once in a while. Now, I am not a loud person, even when drinking; still, as a female, I felt boorish just being there. Too bad the young woman in this article couldn't look at the scene from the point of view of the other patrons. There are a million and a half other bars/clubs/restaurants in the city that would have been a fine setting for her event. Those guys were at that bar to be around other guys. Bachelorette "Danielle" and her ilk need to get over temselves.
I agree with "icky & clueless" this kind of writing if that's what it's called just breeds hate.It's just pathetic really. Very irresponsible writing. If you want to write crass, crude and hateful tripe like this go write a book.
You're letting an annoying comment throw you into a tizzy? This, when every single woman I know has endured many times such comments -- but often in a more threatening way. Try hearing that in a situation where you feel physically in danger -- try worrying about walking to your car by yourself at night, no matter where you are. Invest in pepper spray for your keychain -- just in case. Buy a whistle. Suddenly, being called "cute" doesn't seem all that bad now, does it? Get a grip, privileged one.
Lighten up and take a compliment!
well done babe! xx
Lighten up and take a compliment!
Drew resents Danielle not because she's straight but because she's an "asshole"?
Well I resent Drew because he's a superior, judgmental, clueless misogynist. You know how many women get called far worse than "cute" every day just for walking down the street when they're just trying to...walk down the street? Did Drew realize that most young females spend their lives being talked to "like they're "in a fucking zoo"? So one drunk girl bumps into this dude and flirts with him in a queer space and he FREAKS OUT? Really?
And then he dares to talk about Queen Carlotta? Do you think the radical hippie freak punk sensibility of early John Waters is, at its core, about actually hating on people because their "bon-mots" aren't so literary? Uh I don't think so.
One thing I really like about queer bars is that lots of us who are queer and who hang out in those spaces have 1) a sense of humor 2) a sense of openness about sex and sexuality 3) a particular sensitivity to gender stuff. 4) Why there are even gay men who have a particular gentleness towards women (straight, gay, and trans) precisely because they're relieved of their desire for us. So they don't need to think of women, even drunk lustful ones, as having "party tits" or as being "sweaty blowjob machines." With queers like these, who needs frat boys?
Misogyny (translation: hating women) is just not necessary for quite a few gay men out there. But: it is, sadly, still very much a part of gay male culture, and it's so UGLY to see it so unabashedly and even proudly displayed! I feel sorry for Drew, because he's so mean-spirited, and sorry for Danielle, because I'm afraid the condescending assholes are actually not she but both the man who wrote the piece above, and the editor who assumed that just because people are gay they're bigoted and humorless and ungenerous. Happy King Day!
How did you leap from his criticizing one woman's atrocious antics to his having a hatred of all women? I share his opinion of bachelorette Danielle, and I am a woman. I don't feel he's mean-spirited, just correct and articulate.
You think bachelorette Danielle has a right to get blind drunk and disgusting and leer at and paw guys who aren't interested in her just because in the past straight guys she found foul have gotten drunk and harassed her? Really?
Two wrongs don't make a right.
Just. Watch. This.
"Everyone get ready, it's a huge group of girls!"
http://youtu.be/uRMmHbHxBY0
This is the same kind of thing that happened to my favourite bar in San Francisco....."Martuni's"...the screaming, drunken, vulgar straight half-wit "girls", who monopolize the very air others are trying to breathe.. At least, it's one of the reminders of why we're gay....Women, for the most part, shouldn't consume alcohol. It just doesn't flatter them, at ALL.....
The problem is not alcohol, per se, but the amount. And yeah, the "group-think" that dominates these kind of events (even for men) is not appealing. I had to sit through several disgusting bachelor parties as a fraternity man.
I have to take issue with your comment about women, because "Danielle's" behaviour is NOT typical of women everywhere who consume alcohol. Your remarks are very sexist, which I find surprising in a gay man. As a straight woman who has been best friends since childhood with a gay man and has seen all the "bad" behaviour men and women, straight or gay are capable of, I find it sad that this is your limited view of women. I can assure you that my gay male friends aren't gay because of being turned off by drunken women - that would imply choice. Imagine how offensive it would be if all straight women viewed gay men in the same way you view women. Can you say "Hypocrite"?
Why is a straight women trolling web sites for gay men and posting self serving comments. But I do like the "I have had a gay friend" line. When your done here post on other sites dedicated to other groups you dont belong to.
"Why is a straight women (sic) trolling web sites for gay men?"
This begs the question, "Is OUT a magazine for gay men only, or for all people interested in hearing opinions expressed from a certain point of view?" If the latter, the above article is educational and useful. If the former, simply snarky.
Out Magazine is a media outlet for gay men. They use gay male demographics to sell ads. Is Out a magazine for everybody? Sure, the same way Ebony is a magazine for white people.
While I think there's a case to be made for straight women staying out of gay clubs and off of certain websites, I don't think you can say only certain people can or should read magazine articles. Listening to points of view other than one's own is a good thing. It makes the world a better place.
I just had this same conversation with a friend. You are more articulate then I am, but the sentiment remained the same!
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