Streep, Swift, and Skarsgard Are Making A Movie Together

9.27.2013

By Alex Panisch

…And 5 Other Things You Need To Know Today

1. Remember The Giver, that book you had to read in middle school that was your first foray into dystopia? Well they’re making it into a movie and Meryl’s going to be in it…with some other people too, but let’s be real, she could do a one woman show and still win an Oscar. Entertainment Weekly reports that the film’s cast will also include Brenton Thwaites, Jeff Bridges, Alexander Skarsgard, Katie Holmes, Taylor Swift, because I guess she thinks that she can act now. 

2. The International Olympic Committee said yesterday that it won’t challenge Russia’s anti-gay laws. According to The Washington Post, IOC Chairman Jean-Claude Killy said that he was fine with the situation “as long as the Olympic Charter is respected.” While I could draw a comparison between the IOC and Vichy France, I think it’s most similar to strawberry flavored lube: always disappointing and pretty much pointless.

3. In other news about the Russian government being a dickhead, Russia opted out of attending the first ministerial meeting at the U.N. concerning LGBT rights. Any country could choose to attend the meeting—even Croatia showed up—and that was well known at the U.N. Russia, U.N. meetings aren’t like P.E. class, it’s kind of import that you show up.

4. Speaking of the U.N., Gambia’s president, Yahya Jammeh, said today that homosexuality is one of the three “biggest threats to human existence” alongside greed and obsession with world domination. The International Business Times reports that he followed up say that all three "are more deadly than all natural disasters put together." So take a seat, disease, hunger, poverty, war, global climate change, and terrorism, we’re the new big threat to humanity.

5. ExxonMobil will now offer benefits to same-sex couples. According to a press release from New York State Comptroller Thomas P. DiNapoli. DiNapoli who is a fiduciary of the New York State Common Retirement Fund, which owns about 13,468,035 shares of Exxon valued at approximately $1.2 billion, wrote a letter to President Obama, in the wake of DOMA being stricken down, asking that he to direct all federal agencies under his control to adopt a marriage “Place of Celebration” standard.  This action required federal agencies and programs to recognize all valid same-sex marriages, regardless of the current residence of the same-sex spouses. This is a complete 180-deegre turnaround for Exxon, who has a less than stellar record with the LGBT community.

6. In preparation for this Sunday’s Breaking Bad series finale, here’s a College Humor’s “I Wish I Wasn’t Jessie’s Girl,” to commemorate all of Jesse Pinkman’s girlfriends…who all got whacked.

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