Launch My Line: Blame It On Big Money Bob The Llama

12.17.2009

By Noah Michelson

Photo: NBC Networks

I just saw a commercial for a show coming to Food Network in January called The Worst Cooks In America. People who can’t make food anyone wants to eat will be competing on a cooking show. So it’s going to be like Launch My Line but with burnt toast.

Challenge blah-blah-something about animals-blah. There was a snake that scared Patrick. But then Roberto Volcano, Patrick’s crazypants “expert,” showed up and put that all into perspective. Roberto -- who is shown either bare-everythinged in a skimpy wifebeater or bundled up in a fringed blanket, just never in anything resembling recognizable in-betweenish clothes -- attempted to ignore the “Don’t Make A Dress” limitation rule of the week and, when challenged on this, simply cut the garment into shredded whore-panties. His sabotage of Patrick is based on some kind of queen one-upmanship that the show doesn’t see fit to explain. It’s weird how you can go from being freaked out by a man with painted-on eyebrows to feeling like he needs your protection from all the other mean gays out there. Go Patrick! And by that I mean go far away from Roberto as soon as you can.

Then there was Kevin’s (above) animal inspiration: Big Money Bob The Llama. It’s not like Big Money Bob met Kevin, shook hands and said, “Call me Big Money Bob. That’s what my boys call me.” Kevin cooked this one up in his brain all by himself. Kevin has also taken to calling the chagrined Akiko, his tiny, calm, persistently level-headed expert, “Big A.” Kevin is also pretty big himself. So he’s, you know, fond of size-oriented adjectives even when they’re applied meaninglessly.

Other things Kevin said before being eliminated:

To Akiko, trying to impress her with his color sense: “Are you ready for dis?”

To America, explaining his vision: “My dress is gray because the llama is gray. And you know, my girl gon’ look <I>sexy</i>!”

To Akiko, regarding a fabric choice, who responds with a smelled-a-fart face: “HUH HUH! THE GOLD AND THE GRAY!”

To anyone in earshot:
1.    “POW!”
2.    “We doin’ it BIG!”
3.    “On this you’re gonna see pleats and drapery and stuff. I just like that look, you know I like that PAM! [sic] You know, hit you like that. WAM!”
4.    “It’s gonna be TIGHT!”
5.    “THIS AIN’T EASY!”

To the judges, about his final banished garment, right before one of them deems it “diaper-like”: “FROM THE STREETS TO THE SUITE!”
 
To the camera, after elimination, dejected but not beaten, uttering what no one’s ever said on Project Runway, not even Santino, whom you’d think would have come up with it for himself: “I went out like a G.”

-- DAVE WHITE

Previously
> Launch My Line: It's No Jersey Shore

Tags: Popnography
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