American Idol: Go, go, Gokey.

5.14.2009

By Noah Michelson

Or not. Kris may have still stolen his thunder no matter what. He comes with way less baggage, for starters. Because becoming a widower ages you and makes you complicated, no matter how old you actually are. But Kris showed up feeling free and easy, his pretty wife still alive and supportive even as millions of young girls fixated on her husband’s kittenish features and aw-shucks-isms. He could steal it all away from the Entertainment Weekly cover boy without an ounce more effort, the underdog flying away with the prize.

But it’d be just better and weirder and more eyelineriffic if Adam just took it now. Allison’s gone, so I can say this. I still don’t want to hear him sing very much. But I’d like him to win it all. Because he put blue nail polish on Kris’s thumb (pause your TiVo on the hometown tour segment). Because local newswomen jump up and down like Showcase Showdown winners on The Price is Right when he’s around. Because then he does their makeup for them. Because during “One,” he looked like a Vulcan with wires wrapped around his ears, bathed in blue stage light, ready to beam up into the sky. Because he presents a totally unfazed front while marching through a crowd of people grabbing at his clothes as his giant bear of a bodyguard gently swats them away. Because he inspires large-breasted women to rip off their tops. Because when little boys ask how they can be like him he just says, “Keep practicing!” instead of “Well it would help if you had a little sugar in ya.” Because when they take him back to high school he grins and pretends that no one ever shoved him into a locker and that he actually recognizes the football field. Because he inspires yet another large-breasted woman, Katy Perry, to come out on stage with headdressed showgirls and perform wearing a cape emblazoned with his name. Because Seacrest can’t stop using the words “Cher” and “Queen” when talking to him. Because why not a queer, vocal-tantrum-throwing pop star? Why not?

-- DAVE WHITE

Previously > AI: Now it's a sausage fest

Tags: Popnography
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