American Idol: Now it's a sausage fest

5.7.2009

By Noah Michelson

Right: Gokey’s final “Dream On” caterwaul. Extreme! Also the puppy-n-kitten duet of Gokey and Kris on Styx’s “Renegade,” including Gokey’s “yee-hee-YEAH!” vocal riffing. Like two vanilla ice cream cones fucking each other.
Wrong: KFC fake-grilled chicken promotion gone berserker, inciting chicken-deprivation tears and furious poultry riots. More people care about free factory-farmed food than this show. Including me now that Allison is gone.

Right: When I sat on the couch and complained that Carly had already sung “Come Together” last season way better than Kris. And also how Carly and Michael Johns dueted way more effectively on “The Letter” than Lambert and Allison did on “Slow Ride.” I’m correct all the way round on this.
Wrong: When my husband, sitting next to me on the couch, reprimanded my ongoing Carly fixation with: “You really need to let it go.”

Right: Lambert singing, “I’m gonna give you every inch of my love” and, later, announcing to the whole world that he really liked his outfit on performance night, then Seacrest’s subsequent glance directly into the camera that read, “He’s gay, Ladies and Gentlemen! Isn’t that something?”
Wrong: Not one contestant with the presence of mind to get down on their knees and lick a guitar. Slash was on stage, too. Dumb kids, YOU COULD HAVE LICKED SLASH’S GUITAR. Even Steven Adler, in the depths of his Celebrity Rehab stint, would have remembered to try that one.

Right: Stage right “American Idol” sign teetering precariously on its broken pedestal.
Wrong: Sign staying put during the Gokey solo scream.

Right: Kara dressing all tough like she was applying to be Joan Jett’s bootblack.
Wrong: Kara dispensing “rock god” status to anyone who crosses her field of vision.

Right: Only two more weeks of this.
Wrong: That’s five hours of television.

-- DAVE WHITE

Previously > AI: Winning doesn't matter until it does

Tags: Popnography
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