Guys Gone Wild Viewing Party
By Jeffrey Epstein
Sure, watching one of the Guys Gone Wild DVDs on your own may provide some pleasure. But nothing beats viewing the discs with some witty friends and letting the bon mots fly. So I invited actress and trans-activist Calpernia Addams and her business partner (and fellow activist), Andrea James, over for a few margaritas and a large helping of the recently released Guys Gone Wild: The Big Easy. For the uninitiated, the Guys Gone Wild series follows in the steps of its big sister Girls Gone Wild in traveling the country to events where young people often find themselves intoxicated (i.e.: spring break) and getting them to take their clothes off in exchange for a hat or a T-shirt. Let the catty comments begin!
Subject One: A hot, blond-ish boy with some tattoos
ANDREA: They're trying to get our attention.
ME: It's working.
CALPERNIA: Nothing like a night of margaritas and softcore porn.
Said blond boy becomes more gorgeous when he strips down to nothing and showers off, showing that he has nothing to be ashamed of.
WOMAN'S VOICE ON DVD: I think you're dirty. You need soap!
CALPERNIA: Me, too!
ME: I think I might need some soap after watching this.
Subject Two: A bevy of boys running around only wearing football jerseys while passing the pigskin
CALPERNIA: Not pantless football'again!
Subject Three: Sexy brunette guy chokes his chicken for the camera
GUY ON DVD: You'll be amazed when it gets hard.
CALPERNIA: I've heard that before.
Sadly, he never does stand at attention and admits defeat.
ANDREA: Don't worry. It happens to lots of guys.
Subject Four: Guy in the back of a car who puts his less-sizable meat into a hotdog bun provided by the camera girl
CALPERNIA: White Castle does these. They call them Mini-Pups.
Subject Five: A good-looking African-American with a shockingly small endowment gets in the shower
When asked by the camera girl, the guy rates himself a 'nine-and-a-half.'
ANDREA: I guess the half is the penis.
Subject Six: A young man gets in the back of a car and is given women's panties to put on'which he does
CALPERNIA: She can't wait to get those panties on!
GUY ON DVD: Man, this doesn't fit as well as my other one.
He proceeds to do some 'dick tricks' (the 'wristband' is a must-see) before running around outside in the panties.
ANDREA: He's just humiliating himself now.
ME: Now?! 'Cause before it was so classy.
Subject Seven: Random men showing off body parts.
At this point, the margaritas are starting to take hold and it's becoming difficult to tell one guy from the next.
CALPERNIA: I need to go to Spring Break.
One guy begins doing 'tricks' with his schlong.
ANDREA: Thank you, Mister Circus Penis.
CALPERNIA: Clearly, I have been spoiled by gay porn.
One lad says, when hard, he gets to be about eight inches.
CALPERNIA: Why does every guy say that?
ME: Clearly they have never seen a ruler.
Another starts dancing. Badly.
ME: Oh, my God, he's doing the robot!
ANDREA: With his balls hanging out!!
One rubs against a wood beam.
ANDREA: Careful, you're going to get a splinter.
CALPERNIA: That is not the first pole this guy has danced on.
A guy pulls out a soft-but-gigantic member. We stare in stunned silence until he opens his mouth.
GUY ON DVD: Girls masturbate to this.
ALL OF US: Girls?!
A kinda heavy, kinda not-great-looking guy appears.
CALPERNIA: He's kinda cute.
ANDREA: In that 'going to seed' way.
ME: He'd be cuter if he lost 20 pounds.
ANDREA: And had a head transplant.
Subject Eight: A man who knows what he has
GUY ON DVD: I have the smallest cock in America. I'm hung like a Tic Tac.
This doesn't stop him from pulling it out.
ANDREA: The last time I saw something like that, it had a hook in it.
Subject Nine: A man has sex with an inflatable sheep. No, we're not kidding.
ANDREA: He's baaaaaaaad.
CALPERNIA: Is it still called 'doggie style' if you're fucking a sheep?
After pummeling the helpless blow-up animal, the guy starts masturbating himself.
CALPERNIA: Well, he does deserve a prize for being the only guy to achieve a full erection.
Much to all of our surprise, the guy actually 'finishes the job.'
ANDREA: OK, he is now qualified to be a porn star.
CALPERNIA: The first guy was my favorite.
ANDREA: They knew who to start with!
ME: Lots of cute guys, although some were a little, um, disappointing.
ANDREA: Turns out, not everything in the Big Easy is big.
CALPERNIA: Yes, we needed more big and less easy!