Queering Reality TV
By Jeffrey Epstein
Since the demise of Playing It Straight and Seriously, Dude, I'm Gay! (which, thankfully, never made it to air), reality television has gotten too darn hetero. Sure there are the gay hotties on Road Rules, and there's a random queer cast member here and there on other shows. But where's this year's Boy Meets Boy? As a solution, we offer these gayed-up versions of recent reality fare. Producers, take note.
The Swan 2: Beautiful Boys
Every week 'specialists' transform three banal bears into chiseled Chelsea boys. But only one man in each episode makes it to the final pageant round, which takes place in Key West! The winner gets a lifetime supply of Botox. The loser has his back hair re-implanted.
Paradise Fire Island
Six happy couples are sent to the idyllic beach resort where the contest is to sleep with more people than your partner. Points are deducted if you both sleep with the same person! Everyone competes for an all-expenses-paid wedding in Provincetown. That is, if they're still together by the end of the season!
On this Fear Factor'like show, gays are forced to face their greatest fears as they compete for fabulous prizes. Contestants will include a Prada-loving fashionista who must spend a week living in the Mall of America and a lesbian who must survive 48 hours without any flannel.
The All About Eve Show
In this twist on The Apprentice, contestants will start as interns working for a gay super-mogul (contract negotiations continue with David Geffen). The challenge is to see who can claw their way to the top fastest (sleeping with coworkers is encouraged), usurping the mogul from their throne by the end of season one.
American Drag Idol
Thousands of drag queens will audition in cities across the country, but only a handful will make it to New York City where they will be judged by a panel of experts, including Ru Paul, who will toss off such bon mots as, 'You think you look real, Miss Thing? My granddaddy in a wig would look more real than you. And he has a moustache.'