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Curling: All the Basics, Bitches

Curling: All the Basics, Bitches

What in the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks is This National Sport?

When it comes to winter sports, Canadians are proud of their athletic prowess because, well, Celine Dion is a slight woman and can't shoulder all the national pride. Hockey obviously comes to mind as the great Canadian pastime, but curling is...a thing, too. A baffling, incredibly popular Canadian thing.

A curling highlight reel is an oxymoron. There's nothing that needs to be highlighted, nothing noteworthy, nothing different from clip to clip except maybe (maybe?) the people. These "highlights" appear to be nothing but a lot of screaming while someone wearing a neon tracksuit furiously sweeps -- basically Sunday afternoon with your alcoholic spinster aunt.

And yet Canada loves it some curling. Curling's origins can be traced back to Scotland in the 1500s, when guiding stones across the ice was the best thing going, but today in always-hip Canada it's as popular as it was 500 years ago.

But what exactly is curling? A quick Google search will compare it to any number of boring games -- shuffleboard, boules, chess -- but set on ice! What made someone think, Hey, you know what would make this game better? Ice!? Let's cool things down, put on a coat, and yell out our feelings. But it seems like Canadians do that for pretty much everything, eh?

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