A 22-year-old comic, Elijah Daniel, has written the feel-good read of the year. Well, it's a feel-good for anyone who's followed Donald Trump's Presidential campaign with a mix of wonder, outrage, disbelief and crippling sadness. For your consideration, Trump Temptations: The Billionaire and the Bellboy.
Taking place in the sumer of 2012 in Hong Kong, a bellboy meets a mysterious stranger with "tacky luggage" and the distinct smell of slime. What follows is a sordid, silly, salacious affair the likes of which will leave you questioning all you hold dear in life.
It was him. It was Donald! He stood there in front of me, like a tall stallion. With his oily orange skin glistening in the sunlight as if he were a soggy Cheeto, his hair unkept and messy, like a gorgeous rat's nest. He was beautiful.
Like most great authors, Daniel wrote his masterpiece drunk and high off his face, though I'm pretty sure Hemingway didn't write The Sun Also Rises in four hours. Hemingway also wasn't spurred on by a legion of Twitter followers as Daniel was when he threatened the idea of a 50 Shades of Grey-esque erotic novel starring The Donald.
His gorgeous ass flapped behind him like a mouthwatering stack of pancakes in his pants.
"I should've known better than to smoke a strain of weed called 'Banana Crack,' but here we are," Daniel told Vice. "I tweeted the idea as a joke, but so many people were telling me to do it that I decided to just write it."
His Wikipedia page says he's 69 year young, what a magical number. I'd like to find out more about that. It also says that his nickname is The Donald, but I'm pretty sure they mean Daddy.
Four hours, 10 pages and maybe a passing attempt at editing later and Trump Temptations: The Billionaire and the Bellboy is #1 on Amazon's Gay and Humorous Erotica lists, while racking up 5-star reviews left and right.
I just beat out the girl who wrote 50 shades of grey in the top erotica authors of amazon someone stab me
— Elijah Daniel (@aguywithnolife) January 24, 2016
Trump, not too busy making America great again, has already expressed his disapproval, but it's too late and the people have spoken. Trump Temptations is a big, fat, pancakey hit and Daniel is considering two more to complete the trilogy.
I had to admit it, I wanted his geriatric 2006 Perez Hilton jello body, and I wanted it bad. But before long we had a new problem, my lustful thoughts had awoken the purple-headed yogurt slinger in my pants. This walk was getting real…hard, real fast.
"I have 'Donald blows out a cloud of vape smoke and slaps Hillary Clinton's bare ass while she rides a hoverboard' written down in an idea notepad," Daniel confided, "but we'll have to see where the alcohol leads me! I'll definitely be live-tweeting the entire thing and getting the audience more involved in the next ones."
The door cracked open and there he was, handsome as ever, like a giant melting fat carrot with fake hair.
Whatever needs to happen for more of this particular brand of literary genius to spill forth.
Do your patriotic duty and buy a copy of Trump Temptations here.