News & Opinion
5 Suspects in the Curious Case of Who Bit Beyoncé
A classic whodunnit.
March 27 2018 7:51 PM EST
March 27 2018 3:51 AM EST
A classic whodunnit.
As we've no doubt heard, at the after-party for a Jay-Z concert, someone bit Beyonce on the face, according to Tiffany Haddish's GQinterview. This photo was taken immediately post-bite:
Haddish said that the culprit is "this actress there that's just, like, doing the mostest," and that Beyonce said: "The bitch is on drugs. She not like that all the time."
Related | Tiffany Haddish Reveals That An Unnamed Actress Bit Beyonce's Face
So the clues we have are that the Biter is an actress, she does drugs (but not all the time), and she's cool enough to get into a Jay-Z afterparty. Armed with this information, here are our five prime suspects.
1. Becky With The Good Teeth
In Beyonce's Lemonade, she references someone named "Becky With The Good Hair," a woman Jay-Z reportedly cheated with. A 2016 Us Weeklyarticle speculated that that woman could have been someone named Rachel Roy, and further speculates that popular celebrity chef Rachael Ray's name is only one(ish) letter away from that, making the queen of 30 minute meals our prime suspect:
2. A Very Serious Bella Swan Impersonator
The next most likely culprit in The Biting would be someone who is really into Twilight, to the point that they truly believe themselves to be Bella Swan post-transition. A 2009 PopSugararticle says that Taylor Swift is a big fan of the series, making her our second most-likely perp.
3. Someone Who Can Turn Into A Cat
The next most logical reason that someone would bite Beyonce's face is because they can turn into a cat and feel a need to sink their fangs into things from time to time. In the Harry Potter series, Professor Minerva McGonagall is an Animagus who can shapeshift into a tabby cat at will. Unfortunately, that means that celebrated actress Dame Maggie Smith, who plays McGonagall, is our next suspect.
4. A Very Serious Method Actor Preparing to Play A Dog
Naturally, the other most plausible explanation is that a serious method actor was at the party, preparing for a role as a dog. In the just-released Isle of Dogs, a small pug named Oracle is played by legendary actress Tilda Swinton, our next suspect in the case of The Biting.
5. Someone So Hungry For Fame They Want to Eat Famous People
Finally, the only other explanation for this Biting could be someone so, so hungry for fame they feel the need to eat famous people. Someone so obsessed with being famous they'll stop at nothing to simply feel famous themselves. Of course, only one person could fit this intense description:
The Naked Mole Rat Living Inside The Wax Figure That Is Donald Trump.