0:09 --"God bless the Hoosier State." Translation: Thanks for tanking this already sinking campaign.
0:27 -- Heidi Cruz has started staring at her husband like a piano teacher grading a recital. Strong suspicion this is her default mode.
1:03 -- "The Constitution serves as chains to bind the mischief of government." Is "constitution" too many syllables for a safe word? Will test later.
1:21 -- "Everybody deserves dignity and respect, whether they agree with you or not." Now I don't know if Ted is trying to be funny or if the last 12 months have been a fever dream.
2:34 -- "We do not engage in wars of conquest." Yes, carpet bombing does not imply actually keeping the cratered, Mad Max-esque landscape.
3:41 -- Heidi Cruz, cough three times if you want out of this.
4:36 -- Ted Cruz speaks the secret Republican language composed solely of the word "Reagan."
6:36 -- "Americans are deeply frustrated." Look I'm on bottle No. 2 of Chardonnay, I paused catching up on Game of Thrones for this. Just give me the money shot already.
7:22 -- Ted Cruz reminds us America is turning 240 years old, 83 percent of which has now been spent indulging this speech.
8:30 -- Now he's bringing us to church with this question and response segment. I've started humming "Papa Can You Hear Me?" like some horror-movie child.
9:32 -- "The pundits all said it was hopeless." Ted is still talking after this statement as if he read it in his star chart and not acknowledged it as a fact.
10:26 -- Some kids apparently gave Ted Cruz change from their lemonade stand for his campaign. Kids likely wish they kept it to pay back parents after hoverboards exploded. Ted likely loses change in a Senate vending machine.
11:50 -- Carly Fiorina is wondering if two weeks as a running mate is long enough to spruce up her resume.
12:42 -- "We left it all on the field in Indiana." Okay, now we've moved into Friday Night Lights territory, and I'm looking up where Lucas Black's career went after Tokyo Drift.
13:09 -- "We are suspending our campaign." Ted is breaking up with us, but still wants to be friends. Like that ex you see at parties and who locks eyes with you one second more than is necessary.
14:09 -- "There is no substitute for victory." Ted says this with a straight face as he basically takes the electoral version of Plan B.
15:11 -- Ted elbows Heidi in the face. Assuming she forgot to say "constitution."