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'True Blood' Recap: Stop Texting Me or I'll Eat You


The Iraqi fire demon is finally out of the picture (and the vampire-hating Obama cult has been defeated), but now the Authority vampires unfortunately want to eat every human on Earth.

It's taken a while, but this season has FINALLY hit its stride. The sociopathic Iraqi woman has peaced, the Obama hicks have been arrested, and Lafayette has gotten rid of the demon who was shacked up inside him. Now we just have to worry about how Bill wants to kill the entire human race. Obvs, this is a problem that we can easily solve in just a few more episodes.

But first, let's talk about how this week's installment begins with Russell making goo-goo eyes at the Good Reverend. Umm, Russell? Didn't you vow to kill, like, thirty thousand people when your last boyfriend died?? Are you really going to move on that quickly?? I'll bet Talbot is throwing SO much shade from vampire heaven right now.

(Side-note: What do you think he's been doing in heaven? Crocheting? Shopping with Lilith? I mean, girl could use some clothes. She's kind of um, naked.)

Anyway ... After the depraved Authority vamps eat some rando human, we find out that Eric is trying to skip town with the Authority techie chick. Bill isn't buying the whole humans-are-cool speech that Eric's giving, but he seems to play along at first. He even seduces Salome in an attempt to use her blood to make an escape, but then she turns into Super Snatch ... and then Lilith ... and then Salome. (P.S. Can someone teach me how to do that? Because there have definitely been nights when I fantasized that my boyfriend was Hugh Jackman ... and then Andrew Garfield ... and then Chris Hemsworth. And I'd REALLY like to make that happen in real life.)

Later, while the Good Reverend and Russell are out stealing kids (i.e. Sam and Luna's little Emma), Eric tries to escape from the Authority complex -- only to find out that Bill has betrayed him! Bromance = over.

Lafayette, on the other hand, is pretty drama-free. He mostly just spends this episode helping Super Snatch track down the vampire who killed her parents. But you gotta love Tara's text to him: "Bitch, stop texting me or I will eat you." Really, Tara? You're not going to get a restraining order, or call the popo? You're just gonna go straight to eating him? OK. We should all take a page from her book.

After Lafayette and Super Snatch find a box full of nostalgic stuff under her bed, Super Snatch is all like, "OMG. Sheriff Dearborn TOTES knows who killed my 'rents!" But when Super Snatch hits up Dearborn's pad, Dearborn's grim-looking girlfriend smacks Snatch on the back of the head with a frying pan. Ummm, if she's trying to make new friends -- or, by the looks of her, make a friend -- then this is def not the way to go. Whatevs. Super Snatch wakes up in a pig pen and notices that Hoyt is chilling on the floor nearby, high as balls. (So of course she reads his mind.)

Side-note #2: How awesome would it be to be a telepath while your friends are getting high? I feel like you'd hear something like this: "Ugh, there's this really SICK YouTube video that I want to watch right now, but I forgot how to walk over to my computer. Also, I forgot how to speak English, so I'm incapable of asking my roommate to get it for me. Also, I think I forgot how to breathe, because't breathed in like half a minute. WAIT. There we go. I breathed. P.S. What's the number for Dominos?"

Meanwhile, Jason and Sheriff Andy -- as well as Sam and Luna -- figure out that Dearborn is the man in charge of the Obama-mask-wearing, vampire-hating hillbillies. So they head over there and raise hell. And the hillbillies get arrested. Word. But was Sam really chill with being a PIG for several hours? (I.e. smelly, naked, and covered in filth?) I mean, I'm sure everyone who's gone to college has been there at least once in his/her life. But still, I feel like you would hate yourself after that. Here's hoping that Season Six will follow Sam as he conquers his self-hatred through therapy.

Oh, also: Dearborn got shot and Hoyt is in critical condition. But I'm sure Hoyt will be fine. (Obvs, I don't care about Dearborn. I lost all respect for him once I saw that plain-faced, Target-wearing girlfriend of his. Oh, and speaking of his girlfriend, WHAT was her mom thinking when she named her "Sweetie"? Like, that's what MY mom calls me when she's trying to embarrass me in front of my friends. Or what drag queens call me when they think they're more fabulous than me. Bottom line: That's NOT what you call a crying, red-faced, ugly, incontinent fetus that just came out of your body.)

Back in Bon Temps, Pam is her usual sardonic self, fending off Tara's attempts at BFF-level conversation with this gem: "Just because we drank a bitch together does NOT make us Oprah and Gayle." WHATTT. I'm actually crying over how beautiful that sentence is.

And ... I guess this is the more relevant piece of information from the Pam-Tara storyline, but some dude who looks like Jack White is now sheriff of Bon Temps, and public feeding on humans is 100% acceptable. Bon appetit, Bon Temps!

As for Alcide, he spends this episode daydreaming about how he used to be a baby wolf with unfortunate eyebrows, and how his dad gave him a pep talk once about being a lone wolf. Then he visits his now-distant dad, knocks back a beer, and attempts to talk about his feelings. Um, I'm pretty sure Alcide's dad should be more proud of the fact that he's raised a child who has become a sex symbol for all of America. Just saying.

WAIT. I can't believe I haven't mentioned the Terry / Scott Foley / Arlene arc yet! Oh, wait ... that's right ... It's boring! But I'll tell you about it anyway.

It ended with Terry shooting Scott Foley -- which means he's died TWICE in the last TV season (the first time being on Grey's Anatomy), and that's wayyy too many times. Also, the passive-aggressive dead Iraqi woman made another cameo and vomited out the fire demon which we've all grown to know and love. And then it ate Scott Foley's body. I can't even.

Anywayyyy, that's about it. Thankfully, we only have three main story-lines to cover in the last few episodes of the season: Super Snatch finding out who killed her parents, Alcide dealing with his daddy issues, and Eric stopping the Authority from wiping out the human race. Sounds like it will be a hot mess! Can't wait.

Until then, have a great week. Kisses!

Advocate Channel - The Pride StoreOut / Advocate Magazine - Fellow Travelers & Jamie Lee Curtis

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Evan Lambert