We already figured out that Lilith is kind of a jerk after watching her decapitate Godric last week, but now she's proven herself to be a jerk and an expert manipulator. After all, she basically spent Episode 11 streaking the Authority Complex and telling every vamp she saw that he/she was her BFF. Ummmm WTF, Lilith??? Such a dick move. You can't just throw around your friendship like that when you're God. I mean, just the mere sight of you sends people into convulsions, so obvs if you're becoming BFFs with everyone than they're gonna start getting jeal and killing each other. Also, you really do need to clean yourself up, honey boo boo child. It was cute the first two times -- like, "Oh, there's Lilith again! That girl still hasn't learned how to take a shower, has she? [Chuckle] LOVE HERRRRR" -- but now the joke's wearing thin. Now everyone just hates you.
But despite Lilith sucking immensely, there's a lot to love in this episode (the second-to-last of the season). After an opening scene with Lilith and Bill, we see Nora briefly experiment with Salome, decide that she likes boys again, and passionately have sex with Eric -- all within a span of a few minutes. Definitely the shortest "college phase" I've ever seen. Also, I love how Nora decides to talk strategy while they're sexing. Nora's all like, "Yo, what are we going to do?" And Eric's like, "Chill, I'm gonna get us out of here." Umm, I get that you're in a predicament, Nora, but can't you find a better time for this convo? I really don't think Eric -- or anyone for that matter -- is capable of coming up with a brilliant idea during coitus.
Later, Eric snaps the neck of an Army general, giving him and Nora due cause to skip town and elope together. But it sounds like the Pentagon is preparing to wage war against the vamps if they can't cooperate with their demands -- and since the vamps just killed a high-ranking general, that's probably what's going to happen. Gasp.com!
Meanwhile, Bill is also being a jerk, first killing Chancellor Kibwe and then throwing Jessica into a corner. Um, excuse me? You're officially on my dunzo list, sir. I'll be honest, though: I'm kind of excited to see if Bill and Salome fight over Lilith's affections next week. After all, Lilith said pretty much the same exact thing to both of them. ("Drink my blood. All of it. Then we can be friends.") However, I really think it would benefit her more if she asks them where she can get a Brazilian wax. It's been three thousand years since her last one, and it shows.
As for Super Snatch, she's busy trying to find out more about the dude who killed her parents. Unfortunately, her best lead is a several-thousand-year-old fairy who communicates almost exclusively through interpretive dance. Ugh. Not only does this woman waste her five minutes with Super Snatch popping and locking her way around the fairy stage, but she also can't seem to make up her mind about several recent pop musicians. ("Boyz II Men. For or against?" "Ke$ha. For or against?")
I do love her excuse for being a spaced-out hot mess, though: "Sorry, I have eons of knowledge stored in my head." How much do you wanna bet she uses that as a cop-out on a regular basis?
Fairy: "Um, elder? That's my sandwich you're eating. I put it in the office fridge with my name on it."
Elder: "Yeahhhhhh sorry, I have eons of knowledge stored in my head, so I got distracted and didn't notice."
Fairy: "Hey, uh, you know that was my boyfriend's number that you just sent pics of your snatch to, right?"
Elder: "OMG, I'm sorry! I just have eons of ... um ... uh .... I mean ... Aww, screw it. We've been sleeping together for a month."
But before the elder can tell Snatch about Warlow, Jason is all like, "OMG, Russell is coming!" Um, PAUSE. Shouldn't the elder know this already???? I mean, she has freaking EONS of knowledge stored in her head, but somehow she didn't have room for this one tiny detail? Girl, you need to stop waltzing around that freaking fairy stage and COME BACK TO REALITY, K?
Oh, never mind. Russell just ate her.
RUSSELL JUST ATE HER! HOLY CRAP!
Elsewhere in Bon Temps, the pregnant 500-year-old fairy is busy crushing Andy's dreams by telling him that the baby is his. And then she serves him the most screwed up ultimatum I've ever heard in my life: "If you don't date me and raise this baby with me, then you will bring dishonor upon me and my family -- and my entire race will wage war against you." Maury, I think you have your next episode right here!
There's also some shit about Pam getting arrested, Sam and Luna getting locked up in the Authority Complex, and Alcide (who is chopping the ground, shirtless) joining forces with his pops to emancipate the world from vamps. But really, I just wanna see Pam and Tara get it on. They're two of the most hilariously-cynical women I've ever seen on TV, they're both semi-into women, and they're both hot with three 't's. If that's not a recipe for AMAZING, then I don't know what is. I mean, since they're Pam and Tara, they'll probably go on their first date somewhere really dreary and depressing -- like an abandoned Nazi death camp-- but I'd watch anyway.
Well, that's it for this week!! I still cant believe there's only one episode left, but at least we know things are about to get REAL, right? True Blood creator Alan Ball has already promised a sizeable body count in the season finale, so let's hope that'll include Lilith and Russell -- and maybe the rest of the Authority, since we're already more than halfway there anyway. (Might as well finish what we've started!)
Until then, do a little interpretive dance in honor of the fairy elder, and make sure to promise WAR next time your baby daddy doesn't wanna step up and be a man!