First of all, I apologize for not being available to recap the last two True Blood episodes. I wish I could say there was a cool reason -- for example, a personal letter from the producers of True Blood asking me to stop recapping their show-- but it was really just technical difficulties. I have since fixed that problem, and am now 100 % ready to guide you through the epicness that was episode eight (!!) of the most ridiculous show on television.
BOOM. The episode starts with Luna going nuts. (Practically a rite of passage on this show.) But something's off. I mean, I'm fine with her darting her eyes around the room and panting, "They're everywhere," because many people have done the same thing while tripping on shrooms. But when she MELTS??? And turns into SAM??? I can't. (Not gonna lie, though: When she looked into the mirror -- as Sam -- and muttered, "F*ck me," I looked right back at her and said, "OK. Yes." Because she was Sam.)
Anyway, Sam basically just spends the rest of the episode tracking down the people who shot him, while Luna-as-Sam sashays after him wondering if she's going to die or not. Of course, she doesn't, but not before Sam has a heart-to-heart with her (i.e. himself) and almost makes out with her (i.e. himself.) Thankfully, she shifts back before that happens. (I'm still not totally sure whether I'd be weirded out by that or not.)
Meanwhile, Hoyt is forced to either save Jessica from a bunch of smelly, stupid hillbilly vampire-haters, or shoot Jessica with a wooden bullet and hang out with the hillbillies in their living room. (I'm assuming they just sit around and play Buffy the Vampire Slayer drinking games.) However, since this is Hoyt we're talking about -- and he's sort of a good person -- he decides not to kill her. But then some rando hillbilly pulls a gun to his head at the end of the episode, so he's probably starting to regret that decision.
As for Bill and Eric, they're busy tripping on vampire-goddess blood with the rest of the Authority members. Eric's a true Debbie Downer, though, and reminds Bill that they just ate like 20 people. (Buzzkill, right?). Speaking of Debbie Downers, btw, what is with that Niegel dude??? (AKA The guy with the burnt-off face who eats babies?) While the others are trying to come down from their trip and brag about all the grown adults they just ate, he's all like, "Yo, how AWESOME is it that I just ate an 8-year-old??" Crickets. Just crickets.
Later, Salome convinces Bill to eat a woman by using a mindf*ck that I can't even begin to explain. (Something about not turning his children into vampires.) He claims Salome is "bullying" him into it, but I think the truth of the matter is that he's still slightly tripping and just really, really hungry for some delish human blood. Also, he's sort of turning evil (or pretending to): He just suggested blowing up all the True Blood factories in the country so that vampires can start eating humans again. What?
In other news: Russell and the Good Reverend are becoming an item. Shouldn't the Reverend know that Russell's bad news, though? Like, did he not notice when Russell ripped out a guy's spine on national TV? Because we noticed.
While that's happening, Super Snatch is finding out all sorts of cool stuff, like how Albert Einstein was half-fairy (I call BS) and how the vamp who killed her parents is a cloud of smoke named "Wallo" (fair.) Also, she's decided to stop trying to get rid of her fairy powers. (I don't blame her: A "magical fairy vagina" is a terrible thing to waste.)
Pam only shows up in this episode for, like, two seconds, but she stays long enough to provide me with the title of my recap and to show Tara that she's not so bad a maker/slave-driver after all. I meannnn, she did turn Tara's old high school nemesis into Tara's sex slave. Pretty sweet, if you ask me.
On the other side of Bon Temps, Alcide is proving himself to be a pretty good lay -- by picking up his girlfriend and literally throwing her across the room. It's so hot that I don't even object to his growling. But then he gets his butt kicked by J.D. the V-addict, so it sort of ruins all the hotness of him being a freaking barbarian in the sack.
Finally, we see Lafayette trying to summon the spirit of the Iraqi woman. But even though Lafayette is basically just high as balls and joking around with the whole medium thing, he still gets all real with Terry and Scott Foley and says, "She'll lift the curse if..."
But then she flies into his mouth and curses out Terry and Scott Foley again!
Um, is this woman for real? Like, hey Iraqi lady, haven't you already gotten your kicks by sending a freaking fire demon after these guys? Do you really have to kick 'em while they're down and curse at them some more?? Hate you.
Anyway, Lafayette finally gets to finish his thought: She'll lift the curse if either Terry kills Scott Foley or vice versa. And then Scott peaces the EFF out of there!
The episode ends with Bill turning evil (or pretending to be evil), but what I really feel I should mention is that until the end credits of this episode, I had forgotten that there was once another song called "Somebody That I Used to Know." Thank you, Elliott Smith, for giving me some perspective.