So we're at that point in the season (episode 3 to be exact) when all of the craziness from the premiere has died down, and we're laying the foundation for the real drama that's yet to come. (I.e. Russell getting revenge on Bill and Eric for turning him into a dried fruit). But whatevs. Anything that this episode lacked in drama was made up for in sex, Stabler, and Jessica going absolutely apesh*t in the middle of a deserted field. Love you, Jessica!
So where do we begin? Hmm. Um, why don't we talk about how Tara was strolling through the forest and hallucinating that the skies were opening up to reveal the heavens to her?? I'm fairly positive that half of the college students in the country turned to each other during this scene and said, "Duuuuude, we just did that last weekend!"
LSD. It happens.
But now we're back at the HRC Authority building, and the nine-year-old Authority vampire with ADHD is whining about how Bill and Eric don't deserve to live, or how he didn't get his allowance this week, or some other crap that I don't care about...SINCE HE'S NINE YEARS OLD. Thankfully, Eric rolls his eyes to Bill, confirming that he thinks the whole nine-year-old thing is ridiculous, just like everyone watching this show.
In the end, sexy Stabler reiterates his opinion from last week and decides to let Bill and Eric fight Russell alongside him. Also, the good Reverend is the new Nan Flanigan! Stabler says some politicky stuff, but all we really care about is that Stabler is caressing the good Reverend's cheek while he purrs about mainstreaming vampires and whatnot. Maybe these two will have a moment later this season??
Now we're back to Pam, who is texting a billion people at once. (I mean, we know you're awesome and popular, Pam, but do you really need to shove it down our throats??) Anyway, Pam is super sad about Eric being gone, but Super Snatch doesn't care and ends up getting into a physical fairy altercation with her. OMG. We almost forgot that Super Snatch has powers!! Badass.
Meanwhile, Bill and Eric are being fitted for bras which feature silver stakes that could possibly kill them. The sacrifices we make for fashion! Not to worry, though. Salome, the sexy, mysterious vampire Chancellor, is not trying to kill Bill and Eric. She's just trying to have sex with them.
NEWSFLASH: She does. She wins Bill over with some pretty words about how her mother prostituted her in order to get John the Baptist killed. (First World Problems.) Also, she likes Bill for his "heart." And his penis. Which Bill subsequently uses to have sex with Salome at super-speed. Bill moves fast!!!
(P.S. Can we talk about how sucky it would be to date a vampire? Like, it sucks enough when a guy gets his rocks off too quickly, but with vampires it would happen even more quickly, considering they're pretty much humping you at 300 miles per hour. That's a dealbreaker, ladies!)
But yeah. Even though I'm sort of bored with Salome during her sex scene will Bill, I later end up loving her to pieces when she decides to sleep with Eric. I mean, it's kind of awesome that she says "I want to be your friend" as she strips down naked and walks over to her bed with a "come hither" look on her face. For Eric, this is going to be a friendship with a lot of benefits.
Ultimately, however, the best thing we get out of this storyline is Bill's dig to Eric:
"You know what they say about gentlemen. They don't brag about sloppy seconds."
But wait. They both just slept with a TWO-THOUSAND-YEAR-OLD-WOMAN. Is that really something that you'd want to brag about?? Think twice before you speak, Bill.
Oh, also. We briefly see sexy Stabler without his shirt on, and he is just...100% man.
As for the rest of the episode, I hate to break it to y'all, but it was kind of boring!! Jason ran into an old high school teacher/lover, and she was hesitant to get with him again. After a little bit of convincing, however (i.e. Jason feeling her up), she was 100% ready to hear his sales pitch. But since this was Jason we are talking about, he ended up leaving her all alone with her boxed wine and her tears. Cry me a river, lady.
There was also some crap about Terry leaving Arlene to investigate the evil-baby mystery, and Sheriff Andy asking Holly out. But really, who cares?
(Oh, speaking of Sheriff Andy, I was very impressed that he actually demonstrated intuition and competence while interrogating Super Snatch about Debbie's disapperance! I think he might actually be a new man after quitting V! Also, this storyline seems like it's turning out to be the B-storyline to Russell Edgington's vengeful-vampire arc. At least Super Snatch will have something interesting to do now!)
Despite all that Blah Blah stuff, I still sort of loved all the Pam stuff. This episode we got to see the REAL 411 on how Pam the Madam became a badass vampire betch. Basically, she was just super lonely, super depressed, super desperate, and super obsessed with Eric...so she slit her wrists in hopes that Eric would turn her. Success!! But also: Sad. I mean, that basically implies that Eric has only been her reluctant maker all these years, as she has meanwhile continuously pined for him. Um, I'm gonna cry.
In other news, Jessica just met some rando dude with sixteen sisters who smells like cotton candy, fresh baked bread, and "F*CKIN' SEX!" And it made her think of Jason. So romantic. (Also, I am LOVING Jessica as a spoiled, narcissistic college-age vampire betch. When she told off that jealous betch in the boutique, I wanted to hug her through the screen.)
But really, there wasn't much else to this episode, except for Lafayette possibly being an evil muderous Black magic man, and Tara going absolutely nuts and trying to kill herself in a tanning salon. I'm guessing she's seen Final Destination 3?
At least we got a perfect Pam line out of it: "You stupid bitch."