'True Blood' Recap: Super Snatch Saves the Day

True Blood may be the most ridiculous show on television. But that, of course, is part of its attraction. Even though the series has gotten progressively crazier each season, it's also gotten way more entertaining. Like, even if you no longer care about Sookeh (my spelling) and Bill and Eric and Alcide and all the other two thousand characters on this show, then at least you can tune in for the weekly nudity, violence, and homoeroticism. Just take Season 5's premiere last night on HBO. It has all of that--plus a new hottie Marine!

First, we see Bill calling Jessica to let her know that she can have his mansion while he and Eric are off being fugitives. Oh, wait. That's the boring part of the scene. Instead, why don't we talk about how Eric is cleaning up Bill's living room in, like, THREE SECONDS. Obviously every housewife in the world just turned to her husband and said, "Dude, you'd better buy me THAT for Christmas." But wait!!! Sookeh is in trouble!!!

"F*ck Sookeh," says Eric, betraying his sensitive side. Aww. But Bill's a little more worried, and he runs out the door...only to get silver-netted by the Authority!!!

Now we're back at Sookeh's house, and Lafayette has discovered Tara's body. "F*ck no," he says, and we all agree. (Can we just stop and acknowledge how ridiculously depressing his and Tara's lives are?? I really don't understand how either of them has left their beds since Season Two.) But suddenly, Pam shows up and wants to apologize to Eric for being a bratty betch.

WAIT.

She can save Tara by turning her into a vampire!?! But she also makes the excellent point that Tara might wake up and be "f*cktarded," since she's missing part of her head. And then she drops another bomb by calling out Sookeh for having a "super snatch," thus providing me with a new nickname for Sookeh for the rest of the summer. But does Pam save Tara?? YES SHE DOES. And now we have to watch the opening credits again. I'm pretty sure the woman at the end of the credits has been baptized enough by now.

Cut to Jason's house, where he's standing naked at the door (yes, please) talking to Reverend Steve Newlin from Season Two. After retracting his "twin hard-ons" (but not his other hard-on), the good Reverend tricks Jason into being glamoured. "Hey there," says the good Reverend. "Hey," says Jason. Suddenly, this is a gay porno.

Next scene: OMG, it's Sam! Some naked woman is mad about Marcus being killed, and is about to feed Sam to the wolves. Instead of being killed, Sam pulls an Animorph and flies the eff out of there. The naked woman finds Sam at his place, though, and threatens Emma, so Sam takes the blame for Marcus's death and walks away with the naked woman. We are blessed with a glorious shot of both their asses.

Meanwhile, Super Snatch and Lafayette are burying Pam and Tara together to complete the vampire-creation ritual. I'm absolutely SHOCKED that they made Pam wear a Walmart sweatsuit. Also, I'm a little bit jealous of Tara. I mean, if I'm gonna be buried with anyone, then it might as well be a beautiful, cold-hearted diva who regularly spouts out one-liners and complains about Super Snatch's "magical fairy vagina."

But now we're back with the good Reverend, who has convinced Jason that it's totally normal to be naked and have your mouth taped shut. Surprisingly, however, the Reverend is not there to kill Jason. Instead, he says this: "I'm a gay vampire American, and I love you, Jason Stackhouse." Well, DAMN. It's about time for this man to come out of the coffin! Oh also, just FYI: I do NOT condone the way he's approaching this. (According to the good Reverend, he didn't gain the confidence to come out until he was immortal.) I mean, think about the message he's sending to closeted young Americans: "It gets better, but only if you're supernatural." In other news, Dan Savage just turned off his TV and said, "Why even try?!" Back to the show, though: THE REVEREND IS ABOUT TO SLEEP WITH/EAT JASON! But Jessica just swooped in and saved Jason's butt (literally), so everything's cool. She screws it up the next night, though, when she hooks up with some boring college bro instead of Jason. (Apparently she doesn't actually like Jason, and she's just horny?? No. I do not accept. Jason's the hottest and stupidest guy in Bon Temps. You can't really find better boytoy material than that.)

But back to Bill and Eric. While they're bonding in the back of their captives' trunk, they get the brilliant idea to blow up the car that they're in. It's actually pretty effective, until the driver decides to kill them. But then the other woman-driver kills HIM. And makes out with Eric. Who happens to be her brother. WTF. (I guess since Game of Thrones is done for the year, HBO needs another show to fulfill their incest quota?) Later, thank God, we find out that they're not real siblings. They just happen to be the progeny of Godric, the hot teenager who died in Season Two. That still doesn't make it any less traumatizing when they sexile Bill later and grunt like animals. (Did any of you wonder why Eric wasn't sexing at super-speed, as per usual?)

Speaking of sex, Sheriff Andy got it on with Holly! He also has some random business with a judge who wants a favor, which is easily the most boring plotline of all time. (Unless he eventually uses the judge's money to buy some V, and relapses?)

Another mildly boring storyline is the Terry/Arlene evil-baby mystery. Apparently, the other Marines in Terry's squadron shared similar fates as him (burnt-down houses.) Also, Terry might be in danger of dying! GASP. But let's be real, the best part of this storyline (so far) is dreamy-eyed Scott Foley, who plays Terry's Marine friend Patrick. When he left Grey's Anatomy earlier this season, a little part of me died. But now that he's on True Blood with a Southern accent, that part of me has been resurrected!

There's some minor drama with Super Snatch taking a shower and Lafayette contemplating suicide. (Obvs, he doesn't do it.) Also, Alcide asks Super Snatch to stay with him (as protection from Russell, who was AWOL this episode), but she says no.

P.S. Where is Lafayette's man, Jesus????

As for Sam, he's being tortured by some werewolves when some ugly hag with a smoker's voice asks him to take her to Marcus' body. Once he leads her there, though, she gets ready to throw Sam in the grave! ENTER ALCIDE. He steps up at the last minute, takes credit for Marcus' death, and tells them all that Marcus deserved it. Also, it turns out that the ugly hag is Marcus' mom! But instead of getting pissed at Alcide, she decides to eat her son, NBD.

Now we're back to Bill and Eric, who are given unfortunate fake names (Marcellus and Ike, respectively) because they aren't allowed to go back to their pre-fugitive lives. But before Eric and his sister can have sex again, THERE'S AN AMBUSH. Everyone dies, except Bill and Eric and his sis. The Authority has the upper hand again!!!

And now we're back to Super Snatch and Lafayette as they wait for Tara to wake up (Or not.) We're waiting, we're waiting...we're...Look, it's Pam! And she has dirt in her bra! (Is she surprised?) But what about Tara?? Digging, digging...Nope, she's dead. Everyone's sad. And then...

BAM. TARA'S A VAMPIRE. AND SHE'S F*CKTARDED. ALSO, SHE MIGHT KILL SUPER SNATCH.

The end.

Now what will they think up for NEXT week's episode?