0:08--Oh, OK. Perhaps the parental advisory is serious. Here is a man squeezing a football through his crotch so tightly, that he seems to be giving birth to it, or maybe just pooping it out?
0:15-- "Oh-oh-oh" go the backing vocals, introducing an autotune hook that will glide and slink effortlessly through following four minutes. I wish everything were autotuned, and perfect.
0:23--Duh, gay men should never be allowed to play football, or any contact sport, for just this reason.
0:24--"You picked me up from out of the blue / yet you were someone that I never knew," go the lyrics. Yet, the presence of "yet" is problematic here, as the first part of that sentence does not contradict the second. I don't get it.
0:35--The man with the brightly striped tank-top has invited his friend to live with him in his home and father a pair of gorgeous dogs with him. It is a family, not a nuclear family per se, but a modern family. One that defies convention. The definition of "family" has evolved over time, it should be noted, and continues to do so.
1:02--Is that bacon? It looks incredibly frothy and... just... burnt... enough... What brand is that? I'm actually really hungry. I haven't eaten yet today... Seriously, though, could you tell me the store where you found that bacon and how much it costs? Ok, think. Think, Mike, think. I have about $4 on me, but I have a ton of change in my bag (at least two bucks) and could probably go to the bodega for my lunch break, grab some, and make the bacon in the Out office kitchen microwave. But how would I hide it from the other editors? If I break the "no food" rule again this week, they'll punish me severly. They might even fire me, or worse, lock me in the conference room and make me watch the "Gluttony" scene from Se7en on repeat. God, it would be worth it, though.
1:09--"WTF / What the fuck? / WTF / What Fuck?" Actually, I agree. You're really going to fucking abandon the bacon to shrivel on the stove for some slutty gardener? That is really fucked up. I actually am really disturbed by this part of the video. This is more demented than Antichrist. I would rather watch Lars Von Trier's entire oeuvre (and both versions of Michael Haneke's Funny Games in a row) than watch this again. I am not kidding.
1:20--Pool time! Poolside! Gotta love a pool in tha summa! Balls!
1:32--Well, if that isn't the cutest, most precious pocket I've ever seen! What can you put in a pocket like that? A tiny leather Moleskine? An iPod Shuffle? A Triscuit, just in case you get hungry from not eating all day and being forced to constantly blog about James Franco or Robyn? Wait, does anyone else hide Triscuits in their pockets? Just curious.
1:36--Did you hear that the government is really limiting sun-tan lotions so that SPF 50 is the highest level companies can sell it? That's so funny. Well, not funny. Kind of sad, actually. All those people who thought they were getting better protection, deceived. Whatever...
1:49--Is this man...
1:50--...receiving a blowjob in the pool? OK, sure, why not. I really don't see anything wrong or crass about that. But why are we rewarding him for his previous crimes against food? Can someone please explain the moral code of this video for me?
1:58--Ding Dong! Ding Dong! "Slutty delivery--for you! It's more bacon! (But please, cook it with care this time.) My uniform? Oh, ever since the recession, USPS has been cutting costs and 'greening' it up by using less fabric for their outfits. You like?"
2:00--"I like? You tell me."
2:02--"Girl, nice! But I've handled larger packages than that in my day!"
2:08--"LOL." Next scene...
2:14--Weird. This looks like it was practically ripped from my typical Saturday afternoon, where all my friends and I don American Apparel undies (after a boozy brunch) and have a massive pillow fight while...
2:20--...this guy from our neighborhood watches us through the living room window. I don't really know his name, but he just shows up every time and he leers at us from afar. You know what? I wonder who he is. And why is he always there when I look up, just staring at us?
2:33--Oh my god. Casey, Andrew, Bryan? Do you guys see that man? He's still there, staring at us. No, really, I'm seriously freaked out right now. What should we do? Do you think if I just go up to window slowly and lower the shades that he'll leave? OK, think. Think. Let's pretend that we're going into the kitchen to make bacon, and then actually do that, and maybe he'll be gone when we return.
2:53--Wait. Where did those two guys come from? Did they just go into the front lawn? What's that noise? Everyone, we need to get the hell out of this house RIGHT NOW. Wait, hold on? Is someone in the front hall? Oh no. OH. NO. EVERYONE IN THE PANIC ROOM, NOW! JODIE, CALL THE POLICE! What? They've cut the line???? Oh my God, they're coming. They're coming in! [Whispers] Hide. Save yourselves. Quickly!
3:09--WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME? WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MEEEEEEEEEEEE??????????????
3:14--I'm sorry! Listen, I promise I'll never eat in the office again. Did you HEAR me??? I PROMMMMMMMMMISE!! NO. DON'T TAKE ME AWAY! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
3:23--[Loudly, clearly annoyed, over continued muffled screams] "OK, so you want us to take him and do an ultrasound of his stomach? We'll send the content report over right away when we're done. It'll be $500. You can make it out to Bachmann & Associates. What do you want us to do with the body when we're done? Just hold onto it? OK."
3:34--"You sure you want us to do this, Noah? We're not in the little league anymore. If anyone finds out what you're doing, they'll...
3:36--"...I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING, ALL RIGHT? He just couldn't help himself, that kid. And he needs to be taught a lesson. No one eats in the Out offices. NO ONE. You hear that? You hear that, Mikey? We found the bacon, we found the Triscuits, we found it all. And we're going to teach you a lesson you'll never forget. Won't we? Won't we? That's a good boy."
3:49--"A ha. A hahahahaha. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! AHA, AHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ha."
Previously > First Look: Florence + the Machine's "What The Water Gave Me"