5. Anthony – Never stops talking. Has already spoken of himself in the third person and made a racist “Ping PONG” comment about his fellow contestant. Thinks he can get away with that because he’s African-American. I bet the people who log footage for this show have a counter for the number of times he says, “OOOH GURRRL.”
6. Jay – Says he likes “things to be dramatic.” Says this while wearing a teal tank top. Puts a big fabric flower dead-center-vagina on his runway look’s skirt. Calls himself “the skinniest” of the men, which prompts a voluntary, informal Let’s Compare Fatness contest among the gays on screen.
7. Pamela – Calls herself “Type A.” Translation: There will be total fighting when it’s time for the partner challenge.
8. Anna – Rhode Island School of Design grad in printmaking. I didn’t want to know that. My TiVo ate Launch My Line for a reason.
9. Jonathan – Says he’ll do anything to win. Has cute glasses that almost make up for his faux-hawk.
10. Jesse – Was “Jack Sparrow” at DisneyWorld. Admits it.
11. Mila – Older, feels like she could be a bully. I hope so.
12. Maya – Looks exactly like she could be Mila’s daughter. Owns a Link Ray record on vinyl. That makes her better than most of you.
13. Christiane – Spent a lot of her life on the Ivory Coast. Tries to make something colorful to represent her upbringing but winds up with a tacky thing Teresa on Real Housewives of New Jersey would wear. Earns the coveted annual distinction of being kicked off first.
14. Jesus – Says, “I am young!” like it’s meaningful. Winds up in the bottom 3 with a dress that Nina says looks like a Hershey Bar.
15. Emilio – Also older, wins the challenge by making something too difficult for the time allotted and making guest judge Nicole Richie re-think her own upcoming line.
16. Amy – I forget who that is. All I have on my notepad is a name. I think she’s female, but on this show, where people have been known to walk around calling themselves “Suede,” you just never know.
-- DAVE WHITE
Previously > American Idol: How To Replace Simon Cowell