American Idol: Arresting Auditions

*The girl with asthma. I like that she’s from a town small enough that someone will write a whole newspaper article about how she had a bad attack once.

*The glitterball-festooned gentleman dressed as Lord Gaga. Music cue while he pranced: “I Feel Pretty,” the verse that ends with “... and witty and BRIIIIGHT!” causing millions of sing-along viewers at home to flub the lyric.

*Michael Winslow from Police Academy.

*A pair of boobular sisters who love each other so much that the promise of them making out on national television is too much for the judges to resist.

*The lummox-y bank-robbing guy in the cowboy hat who wishes to redeem himself. In my house, this is the kind of man who inspires most of the assembled viewers to shout, “TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT!” at the screen. Then we sit around and talk about how awesome Matt Rogers was in season three. It’s kind of a specific taste, I know.

-- DAVE WHITE

Previously > American Idol: How to Replace Simon Cowell