Letters to My Brother
2.1.2012
By James Clementi
Tyler (left) and James Clementi / Photo courtesy James Clementi
I ’m not sure when I first realized my younger brother was gay. I think I knew he was for as long as I knew I was. I had no idea how to bring it up; it was just something we left dangling in the air, unsaid. I was open about my sexuality with friends, but around my family there was this barrier that felt unbreakable. It slowly dawned on me that I wasn’t the only one, that I had a brother who was also gay -- my baby brother, whom I had always felt protective and paternal toward. I knew I was in a position to be a confidant, a role model. But I wasn’t ready to do any of that. It would have made it much less lonely for me to grow up with an older brother who had gone through and understood everything I was dealing with -- and I wanted to be that for Tyler. I didn’t start to come out to the people in my life until I was in my early twenties, so I always thought Tyler would follow the same timeline and we wouldn’t need to address the rainbow-colored elephant for a few more years. I was terrified to talk to him, accustomed to secrecy and scared I would make everything worse somehow.
The summer after Tyler graduated from high school we made plans to see Toy Story 3 together, and I looked up the schedule online. I walked into his room without knocking to ask what times would work for him, and there was that awkward moment where he realized that I was standing behind him. I realized my little brother was looking at gay porn. Caught off guard, I acted like I hadn’t seen it, and I think he was initially relieved. But from this moment, there was a growing anxiety, an urgent pull from inside myself that was compelling me to talk to him, and I knew it was time -- probably way past time. I gave myself a day to stress out over the right words, the best place, the perfect time. And then I just did it.
SLIDESHOW: FAMILY SNAPSHOTS OF THE BROTHERS TOGETHER
It was the Fourth of July. We had spent the day at the movies, the diner, the fireworks. So many opportunities, and I kept chickening out. That night, I found him in the house listening to Katy Perry, and I saw that, if I couldn’t do this now, something was really wrong with me. I overthought it -- because it ended up being this simple.
Me: “I’m gay.”
Tyler: “Oh. Me too.”
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Only if the world was not so cruel and more like heaven, welcoming everybody with open arms.
That was absolutely devastating. For all that I've read about your brother, I realize that this is the first time that I've seen him as an actual person. I am terribly sorry for your loss. I hope the day comes when you don't dwell on what you think you did wrong by him. Believe me: everyone should have a brother like you.
"I can’t sleep, can’t hold a job, don’t want to be around friends or family, and pretty much need to escape my life."
This is what I hope for you, and everyone that loses someone they love too soon--that you can go forward and find something more in your life than grief, for your sake and for Tyler's.
If it's any comfort, for a lot of your readers, Tyler is not simply a news story.
...He's one of us.
So are you.
Be well.
I really don't know what to say. Thank you for sharing your memories of your brother. One day, this may stop someone from committing suicide by acknowledging how important and valuable he or she is to others.
I'm really at a loss for what to say but I wanted to let you know that I admire YOUR strength for writing this. I can only hope that people learn from your story. Thank you for sharing this tragically beautiful story with the world. I wish you and your family nothing but love and happiness.
Thank you, James... not only for writing so honestly and eloquently, but for overcoming the fears and vulnerabilities that you must have felt before deciding to share what you've written with the world. Tyler's life and death are so much more meaningful to so many more of us because of you. I hope you can once again sleep peacefully soon...
Tyler was lucky to have a brother like you, James. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss, and for our loss, the world's loss of this talented and amazing young man. And I am also very sorry that 40 years since I came out in college, it is still so difficult and painful to do so. Perhaps the death of this young artist will help people see that it should not be so difficult and that we need to be kinder to each other.
Thank you, James... not only for writing so honestly and eloquently, but for overcoming the fears and vulnerabilities that you must have felt before deciding to share what you've written with the world. Tyler's life and death are so much more meaningful to so many more of us because of you. I hope you can once again sleep peacefully soon...
James: This article and your letters to your brother so poignantly and accurately capture the depth and complexity of emotion that you're going through. Mostly though, we just really feel your utter love for him. Although I know you probably feel that you could never really capture him, you did him great justice in how absolutely beautifully this is written.
I hope you know, James, that Tyler was not the only talented one in the family. Maybe his talent was louder, but your writing talent is tremendously powerful.
I am thinking of you and hoping that your grief continues on a path toward healing.
Sorry for your loss...Your letter to your brother was awesome...You are not alone...
Thank you so much, James, for sharing your beautiful, tragic, intimate thoughts with us and the world.
I need to call my brother. I miss him.
Thank you for sharing.
My brother and I are so reminiscent of you and Tyler. Your letters to your brother are beautiful, sad, tragic, inspring. I don't know what I would do if faced with the same situation. My brother and I were raised apart, but our lives were amazingly similar. Even our personalities, likes, dislikes, etc. give more credence to nature over nurture. My heart goes out to you and your family. Remember, as you told your brother, You are NOT alone.
You are a wonderful writer. With all of the reporting of the far too many deaths of LGBT youth, yours is the first of a gay man who lost his brother. Thank you so much for revealing the wonderful side of your brother. Your words deserve to be much more widely read by young people who are be considering ending their lives, so they understand how much they may indeed be loved, and what they may miss if they choose to leave. thanks.