'All Stars' Ru-Cap: Bam!
By Evan Lambert
After watching last week's episode of Ru Paul's Drag Race All Stars, I was 100% convinced that Chad Michaels was on her way to becoming Public Enemy #1. But after watching Raven skewer guest star Kady Z on Untucked last night for not accepting a drag queen makeover, I'm pretty sure that Raven is now the one who should be worried. Like, hi Raven, did you forget that Kady Z's mama is Pia Zadora??? I mean, I'll be completely honest: I have no idea who Pia Zadora is. But when Ru Paul name-dropped her, all of the queens collectively gasped, which probably means that Pia Zadora is AWESOME and you should be AFRAID of insulting her child.
(P.S. According to the Internet, Pia Zadora is a semi-successful singer who won "Worst Actress" at the 1982 and 1983 Razzies. Also, she was married to a well-connected Israeli multimillionaire, which explains how she was cast in those movies in the first place.)
But that's not to say that Chad wasn't a jerk last night. Instead of owning the fact that she thinks she's inherently better than every drag queen ever, she continued to feign politeness and suavity while tearing down those around her. (Example: While Shannel choreographed a dance number with Jillian Hervey, i.e. Vanessa Williams's daughter, Chad said: "I love that you're not a dancer but you're choreographing this bitch." BURN. THE LIBRARY IS OPEN.) Let's be real, though: Chad's probably going to win this thing. (She won tonight's girl group challenge, after all.) Every thing she does is honed to perfection, and she's been working her butt off since the beginning of drag herstory. But for those who hate her, just remind yourself that Chad will probably end up like Citizen Kane: Alone, soulless, and deluded by megalomania. (The only difference: Instead of retiring in a palatial mansion, Chad will end her life in a guest room at Cher's house.)
Let's go back to Kady Z, though. Can we talk about how she didn't seem to understand anything about chilling with queens? I mean, obvs I thought she was lovely, but when Raven called her a "firecracker" she legit pouted as if Raven had hurt her feelings! Awww, honey. When a queen calls you anything other than "dumb bitch," then it is a COMPLIMENT and you should be on your knees kissing their feet and thanking them. Hmm, maybe you should hang out with a less fun gay for a few years so you can get some practice before you come back to the big leagues? (Suggestions: Will Truman, Ennis Del Mar.)
Anyway, Kady's blandness eventually landed Team Rujubee in the bottom two, but Raven was NOT about to lose a lip synch to Alexis Mateo, so Team Yarlexis ended up peacing. But not before Yara Sofia gave All Stars a sick slo-mo sequence! While Alexis Mateo was shaking her booty on the dance floor, Yara decided Alexis wasn't Puerto Rican enough so she hit the crap out of that Stop button and sent Alexis's padded butt backstage in a hot second. You could almost hear Alexis's thoughts: "Bam! Bam! BAM! Ba — (Yara hits button) — Oh hell, what does this woman think she's doing?"
On the bright side, at least Yara and Alexis got to commiserate with Kelly Osbourne about what it was like to get bullied when they were younger. And later, during Untucked, Kelly even demonstrated some serious drag-knowledge chops. While Jillian and Kady searched for ways to describe the sublime awesomeness of getting drag makeovers, Kelly broke out a whole articulate, informed speech about the subtleties of shading and eyebrow placement. Girl! You've known this all this time, and you still have purple hair?? #JudgingYou.
This week also featured the debut of Jujubee's ugly-cry after her boyfriend video-messaged her with a sappy marriage proposal. It was probably really romantic, but I didn't care or notice because I can never take a drag queen seriously when she cries. Her clowny, droopy lips say, "I'm sad," but the rest of her face says, "I duct-tape my penis to the side of my leg." It's a struggle.
Until next week!