'All Stars' Ru-Cap: A Heavy Loss
By Evan Lambert
When Tammie Brown sashayed away last week on RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars, she left a gaping, glaring hole which needed to be filled in ASAP with a whole bunch of crazy. But it didn't take long to fix THAT problem, cuz crazy came calling this week in the form of beautiful tragedy Janice Dickinson!
Who knows where this woman was when Ru called her up (prob passed out on the sidewalk in WeHo), but thank heavens Ru did because who else could've judged these queens with the sophistication and poise that J-D did this week?? If I had to pick a close second for best judge, I'd obviously have to say Rachel Dratch, if only because I interviewed her at an alumni event for my college and she told me I'd make a great BFF for her or Tina Fey. (I'm still holding you to that, Dratch.) As for Michelle Visage's Xena: Warrior Princess-inspired dominatrix dress, I have one compliment: She did an excellent job of making everyone else look like a million dollars.
If you didn't watch Untucked, then you would've missed not only J-D's craycray behavior, but also Chad Michaels's rapid ascent to the title of Bitchiest Drag Queen Ever. After spending the first part of the episode hosting a trashtalking sesh with Shannel about every single queen on the show, Chad had the balls to say that the other queens should be grateful she was insulting them, as if it was some sort of accomplishment to be mentioned by the Great Chad Michaels at all. And on top of that, Chad backstabbed her BFF Shannel later, saying that Shannel was holding her back from proving to the world and the judges that she was better than everyone else in the competition. DAMN! Chad's chipmunk cheeks must be full of DELUSION if she thinks she can get away with stepping on everyone's perfectly manicured toes like that! (Also, why did she feel it necessary to tell Shannel one-on-one that strawberries make her horny??? Do these two have a past of kai kai??? And wouldn't it suck to get aroused every time you go to IHOP???)
In other news, Tatianna — who still looks and sounds 17 — decided to make a cameo on Untucked and insult pretty much every single queen on All Stars. (P.S. Dear Tati: This had the potential to be great, but unfortunately you are neither clever nor funny. Also, everyone in the world hates you. And what was with your makeup?? Did you come up with the idea for this at 4 AM after two Pinots and a handful of Ambien??? I know that's specific, but I actually know someone who recorded a three-hour-long video message after a night of substance abuse, and it was actually pretty awesome until 7:24 when she passed out on her keyboard for the next two hours and fifty two minutes.)
There was also some tension between Alexis Mateo and Jujubee (AKA the "cheap Kardashian") after Alexis's extended diva speech on the runway, but what else is new. The real drama came during the main episode when Ru declared Alexis and Yara Sofia SAFE, thus forcing Latrila and Rujubee to battle it out for another week on the show. (Although I have a sneaking suspicion that Ru only let Yara go because her mile-long hair piece would've legitimately KO'd anyone trying to compete with her in a Lip Synch For Your Life.) In any case, Latrila ended up going home (SADFACE), leaving Rujubee another chance to stomp around in their heels on national TV for an hour.
Speaking of Latrila, though, how weird was it to hear Latrice talk about her confidence issues??? This is the woman who raises her hand to the good Lord and preaches REALNESS every week, and now she's telling us she doesn't feel comfortable in her own skin??? Chica should be HONORED to have a body that allows her to belly laugh with that much depth and conviction. Also, it's double-shocking because she hit on me once when I was interviewing her for Out. I asked her if her busy schedule allowed any time for dating, and she fired back, "Why, are you interested? 'Cuz you're pretty cute." So girlfriend is pretty confident. (But on a different note, that whole nonsense on the street with Latrice sticking her head in the trashcan like a dog looking for spare ribs was kind of hilarious.)
Speaking of the street nonsense, though, there were certain LA residents and tourists who were WAY too willing to do things, like hand-feed random drag queens and shoot whipped cream down their pants for no reason at all. I'm assuming these are also the sort of people who happily respond with their social security numbers and bank account info whenever they get friendly, promising emails from out-of-luck Nigerian princesses asking for thousands of dollars.
Well, that's about it for this week! Things are getting REAL with only three pairs of queens left. Think you can handle it???