On Aging Sex Gods: Tom Cruise Vs. Matthew McConaughey

Sleaze is where you need to be it seems. With two Hollywood heartthrobs (although of varying degrees of stardom) currently channeling their own versions on the big screen. Matthew McConaughey, 42, is currently starring in Magic Mike as Dallas, the patriarch of the stripper boys at Xquisite in Tampa, Fla.. While Cruise, who turns 50 this week on July 3, is the raunchy and irresistible Stacee Jaxx, a rock god who smells auras, grabs tits, and has a baboon sidekick, in Rock of Ages. We do a comparison to see which wins out on top.

Early Career in the Sex Trade

Tom: Strutted in his tighty whities in Risky Business (1983)

Matthew: Was salivated over by a group of hungry ladies in Boys on the Side (1995)

Age Now

Tom: 50

Matthew: 42

Takes Direction

Tom: Out gay director Adam Shankman seems to be able to work with Scientologists with a seamy past (see: John Travolta in Hairspray). Shankman says Tom loves to be directed.

Matthew: Steven Soderbergh doesn't seem to have had to dig very deep to find his inner sleazeball. He delivers with panache.

Current Skills

Tom: Calisthenic sexual antics with Rock of Ages co-star that devolves into him singing into her ass.

Matthew: Has he had a previous life in an all-male revue cuz he seems to understand the needs all too well--especially in scene where he swivels Alex Pettyfer's hips).

Costumes

Tom: Shirtless, huge chrome demon codpiece, tight jeans: tattoos!

Matthew: Cowboy, chaps, patriotic dandy (with big stars and stripes hat!)

Swagger Factor

Tom: He seems to be channeling Mick Jagger, Axl Rose, with a serious dose of Glenn Danzig

Matthew: The crazy eyes started to scare us. He seemed to want to be a Chippendale. But was too smart to actually go there.

WINNER!

Tom Cruise. This may be his strangest, most homoerotic role yet. And the commitment to that strut and swagger did it for us. And did you read? We said GLENN DANZIG!