Quickies: Friday, May 13 2011
By Noah Michelson
> Citizens of America with questionable taste in television programming rejoice! Ashton Kutcher will be replacing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men.
> One more reason to party tonight: Uganda's parliament adjourns without voting on the "Kill The Gays" Bill.
> An Alaskan high school senior class was told they're not allowed to sing Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" at graduation because Freddie Mercury was gay. After a student threatened to call the ACLU, the school relented.
> Which "prominent TV personality" is about to come out with the help of public relations guru Howard Bragman? Your guess is as good as ours, but we'll supposedly find out next week.
> Talk about fringe benefits: A 36-year-old Brazilian woman who suffers from a chemical imbalance that triggers severe anxiety and hypersexuality has won the right to masturbate at work.