American Idol: Rug Pulling
By Noah Michelson
Joe Munoz: A fine singer with no story. And the show knows it. And holy crap do you need a story this year. This boy shoulda been cozying up to Big Mike for pointers. And speaking of Big Mike, his ego started to show this week when they criticized him for coasting on his personality and Hulkness. He actually flexed his bicep in a mock-threat to Simon. I like the idea that he might go full-on with the whole fee-fi-fo-fum and trash the set, grind some bones to make his bread, smell the blood of an Englishman, etc.
Whatever the Name Is of That Girl Who Sang the Leona Lewis Song: Another psych-out. Go to your audition and sing Mariah or some other Celine/Whitney person. Have them praise you. Go through Hollywood week and become known as one of the Big Voice Diva girls. Then go on live TV and unpack half a lung of a Leona Lewis song and sound like somebody singing into their hairbrush while stuck in traffic. Oops, sorry, we meant to tell you this a few weeks ago, but you’re not as good as that. You were never meant for this sort of thing. Hey, don’t look at us. We’re just judges. The producers told us to pick you. You’ll have to take it up with them. Oh, and Crystal Bowersox, you’re on notice too. We know we told you how much we like you and your Indigo Girlishness. But you’re going to have to sing “The Greatest Love of All” next week if you want to keep us amused.
That other girl: The female Joe M. Fine voice. No story. Funny how the voting audience is suddenly into an entirely different type of female singer this season. It’s like Kelly Clarkson never happened. Who knew that middle America was all about Spooky Girls with Edward Gorey tattoos who sing “Wicked Game?” Or the ones who look like Chloe Webb in Sid & Nancy? Everyone is really alt and indie. The Hipster Runoff bros or should feel pretty good right now.
-- DAVE WHITE
Previously > American Idol: We Love You, Now Get Lost