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Last night was homo night on Dancing with the Stars -- not in an official capacity of course -- but Donny Osmond decided it would be hilarious to fake make out with judge Bruno after he complemented his sexy rumba to Endless Love. Bruno was his usual goofy sport about it, but Carrie Ann was right when she said, "that was a bit awkward." OK, maybe gay night started with Donny dancing to that Diana Ross song. Or maybe it started with the special cameo appearance from Scary Spice Mel B during Debi Mazur's rehearsal footage. But no matter the origin, the show didn't let up: immediately after the Donny/Bruno awkward moment, host Tom Bergeron decided to plug two stars of a new ABC comedy sitting in the front row, and they were of course Eric Stonestreet and Jesse Tyler Ferguson, the actors playing the gay couple on Modern Family. See? They like us!
A few seats down was Paula Abdul, and why did they think putting a microphone in front of her was a good idea? Maybe because she was sitting next to Lance Bass and they knew we'd really want to see him. She slurred some backhanded remarks about American Idol and then threatened to make out with judge Carrie Ann. We get it, homo-kissing is hilarious. And Lance, I saw you give that standing ovation to Tom Delay. I know the man is supposedly all brave for dancing with two broken feet, but I just can't shake the feeling that everything is done solely for attention and publicity.....which is a ridiculous accusation in a show where Debi Mazur wore a fluffy rainbow skirt that appeared to have skinned the tails of the Muppets from last week's episode. Other, um, brave wardrobe choices: Aaron Carter in ridiculous shiny karate pajamas and UFC fighter Chuck Liddell in ruffled bright pink sleeves never before seen outside the pages of the International Male catalog. (Does anyone else think of Peter Boyle in Young Frankenstein when watching him dance?)
Louie the snowboarder slicked back his hair to dance to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and Natalie the swimmer threw down a stellar performance to "In the Air Tonight," proving that '80s songs are better choices than '90s one-hit wonders. Len the crotchety bastard judge is back, and I lost count of how many men had their shirts unbuttoned down to their navels. All in all -- it was a good night.
-- A. RAYMOND JOHNSON
Previously > DWTS: Another One Bites The Dust